Self Destruction
by Drive all night
Summary: Everyone seems to be on the path of self destruction...Burzek
1. What did you do?

Kim looked at her phone. What the hell? Ten missed calls and 5 text messages. She'd only been gone a day. She tossed it into her bag as her sister came in carrying 2 Margarita's. "Keep 'em comin'." Kim took the drink and screwed up her nose a little as the salty rim mixed with the deliciously cold beverage hit her tongue. She licked the salt off her lips, almost enjoying the pain.

"What's up Sis?" Amanda plonked herself down beside her sister and tucked her feet up beneath her.

"Nothing's up. I just missed you. It's been so long since we had a girl's weekend."

"And who's fault is that?"

Kim took another mouthful. "Mine." She nodded. "All mine."

Amanda had been surprised when Kim had called and asked to come up for the weekend. She hadn't seen her since the weekend after her broken engagement. They had talked on the phone a few times but Kim had given away little. She could tell she was miserable but Kim insisted she was doing okay, but Amanda had her doubts. She could read Kim better than most.

The day had been spent with Zoe and Amanda could sense that it was just what Kim needed as her mood lightened throughout the day. They had shopped, grabbed a late lunch and finished off with a manicure and pedicure. The perfect girl's day.

As they polished off the first of the Margaritas Amanda just let her talk about her recent court case. It had shaken Kim to the core, rattled every belief she had in her choice of job and in herself. But that wasn't what really had Amanda on edge right now. That wasn't what was making her head throb.

"So, spill." She handed her the second glass and Kim took a long swig.

"I'm worried about Adam."

"Adam? What about Adam? I thought you were seeing Steve or Sean or whatever his name is?" Truthfully Amanda hadn't even bothered to learn his name. What was the point? When Kim started talking about this guy something had settled uneasily over her. Was this the guy that was arguing with his ex while she was shot? Was this the guy that kept telling her that marrying Adam was a mistake? The same guy who hooked up with that grieving mother after her kid died and he shot her ex-husband? No, she wasn't going to even learn his name.

"I am." She ran her finger around the rim of the glass and then licked it. She really did like the pain.

"So why do you care about Adam?"

"He's so self destructive at the moment. I think I know why, he was angry when I started seeing Sean. That's his name by the way. Sean."

Amanda shrugged. Really she didn't care. She didn't like who her sister had become lately. This wasn't Kim. She didn't jump from guy to guy within weeks. She stewed over it for months, grieved and wallowed. This was not her sister. "Didn't answer my question. Why do you care what Adam thinks?" Amanda sipped her drink slowly.

"I didn't break off the engagement because I didn't care about him." Kim felt a little like she was under attack lately. She felt she had been pushed aside a little back at the District and it hurt. Sean told her not to be so sensitive and that they would get over it. He didn't seem to care that she had worked hard to earn everyone's respect and that all seemed to have evaporated. Even Atwater seemed to be a little uncomfortable around her. She felt isolated. "He didn't want to marry me."

"You know that for a fact? You've asked him?" Amanda narrowed her eyes at Kim. "What did he say?"

The bottom of her glass mocked her. It was empty and she desperately wished it wasn't so. She held out her glass to her sister but Amanda just looked straight back at her, waiting for her answer. "I told you what he said. He wanted to push back the wedding date."

Amanda rolled her eyes and pushed herself up off the couch. "So you haven't talked to him yet?"

"He didn't fight for me. Sean…" she bit her lip when she noticed the pained expression on Amanda's face. "What? I get you don't like him, but you don't know him."

"No I don't." Amanda handed her a glass of water along with her cocktail. "But I know you. You don't jump from relationship to relationship in the blink of an eye. You wallow…..for months."

"I had to move on. Sean…."

Amanda held up her hand. "I am sick of hearing about fucking Sean." Kim was taken aback by her sudden outburst but Amanda continued. "When did you become so cold hearted? When did you become such a clueless bitch?" There was only one person in the world that could get away with talking to her like this. "Of course Adam is angry. You dumped him without good reason as far as I can tell and now you are flouncing about the District with another man, a colleague no less and what? Did you expect him to buy you a fucking card?"

"You don't understand." Kim gripped her drink tightly and didn't even bother to try and hide her tears. "He broke my heart."

"And you, my dear sister broke his and now you are dancing on his grave."

"I'm not."

Amanda cocked her head to the side. "No?"

"No. Sean has been a good friend, that's all it was and then lately…."

"You were lonely and hurt and Sean was there. Did I get that right? I mean he gave you all that wonderful advice, that Push test for one. Yep, he's been such a good friend." Sarcasm dripped from Amanda's lips. "And let me guess…."

Kim suddenly threw the empty glass onto the table. It shattered into a hundred pieces and Amanda jumped in her seat. "I loved Adam but he didn't want to marry me. What was I supposed to do? Wait forever?"

Slowly Amanda got up from the couch and headed into the kitchen. She came back with a towel, dustpan and brush and quietly cleaned up the broken glass. "You could have talked to him." She eventually said quietly. Without another word she disappeared back into the kitchen and disposed of the remnants.

Kim sat stone like on the couch. She hands gripped the edge fearing if she let go she would fall. Amanda slipped back onto the couch and tugged on her sister's arm until she fell sobbing against her chest. She leant back against the cushions and pulled Kim with her and let her cry it out. It had been a long time coming. "Is that your phone buzzing?"

"Yep." Slowly Kim pushed herself up and grabbed the phone from her bag. She showed it to Amanda. "Oh Kim, what have you done?"

A/N: I am so not happy with the path this show it taking at the moment. Ruzek has copped a lot of heat about the break-up, quite unfairly. Burgess has a lot to answer for & I hope she realises it before it's too late...anyway...end rant/


	2. If I can't work I don't have anything

Angrily he wiped the steam from the mirror. He didn't want to look at himself; he couldn't because he hated what he saw. He barely recognised the man that was staring back at him and the bits he did recognised he hated.

The sad thing was he knew, he knew she wasn't just some random chick that he picked up in a bar but he couldn't make himself care and by the time they got back to her 'place' he just handed over the money and tried to lose himself for the briefest of moments. As soon as he crawled out of the bed it was gone. The moment was fleeting, then the pain returned and it made him hate himself even more.

By hating himself though it stopped him hating her. He didn't want to feel like that , he never thought that he would or could hate her but she was making it so hard lately. Perhaps it would be easier if he did. Every single breath wouldn't hurt if he could just hate her.

Even when he cut himself shaving he just stood and watched the blood trickle down his cheek. Tears or blood….it was all the same these days.

He moved through his apartment on autopilot but that wasn't unusual. The piece of paperwork he left on the kitchen table called him, mocking him to sign them. He was sure he could convince Voight to sign his transfer papers. He wanted to leave, he wanted not to see them anymore, and he wanted not to be broken anymore. She'd moved on and it was time to do the same thing. Move on.

But his feet felt like they were nailed to the floor.

Atwater knew it the moment the words came out. He felt Ruzek stiffen beside him and he knew, he felt it. He felt him shatter. He felt his own anger rise up bitterly. He'd spent two years on Patrol with Burgess and they were tight and then once in Intelligence his bond with Ruzek was instant. He loved that his two best mates were together because they were good together and he never had any doubts about them because they seemed to be good friends, best friends as well as lovers. He wasn't even sure how things had got so bad so quickly and initially he thought that Ruzek was being typically male when he told him he had no idea what went wrong, but now he wasn't so sure. He was starting to believe that Ruzek really did have no idea what had happened.

And because he had no idea what went wrong he had no idea how to fix it. "She keeps brushing me off Man." He moaned one night when Atwater picked away at his scab for long enough. "I tried to even congratulate her on that Heroin bust and she just said 'thanks Ruzek' and walked off. That's it, that's all I get?"

Up until then Ruzek had some hope, that while he knew Roman had a thing for Burgess, of that he had no doubt but he didn't honestly think she would reciprocate those feelings. He honestly thought what they had was so much deeper and pure and that would hold them in good stead and eventually they would work it out. Yet she had basically jumped into bed with him the first chance she got. Did she not care at about him all? He felt like a fool. In front of all his work colleagues she made him look like a fucking idiot.

They couldn't stop him spinning out of control but Atwater hoped he could stop him before he completely lost it. Ruzek, in full self-destruction mode was a force of nature.

Adam poured himself a coffee. The hotter the better and even when it burnt as he swallowed it he didn't care. He had scrubbed himself clean of the previous night in the shower so the pain in his mouth from the hot coffee perfectly matched the tenderness of his raw skin.

"Where'd you disappear to last night?" Ruzek had seen Atwater pull up beside him in the parking lot and he took a moment before jumping out of his truck when he realised his buddy was waiting for him. They had hit up Molly's initially before moving onto the next bar and then a nightclub. Ruzek was pretty trashed the last he saw of him, surrounded by several women and doing shots.

"Hey Kev." He tried to sound as normal as he could. "Wouldn't you like to know?" He winked.

"Yeah man, I would." It was then that Ruzek's eyes snapped and Atwater backed off.

As they walked up the steps of the District Atwater hoped like hell that there were no surprises waiting for them in the foyer. Basically he was hoping that neither Burgess nor Roman was there. As they hit the foyer he heard Platt speak. "She's on a day off. I thought you'd be all over that." There was not a scrap of emotion in her voice. It was neither sarcastic nor cheerful; it was devoid of anything that could be called emotion. Platt was not happy. Nobody was happy.

Adam's eyes flicked to the back of Roman's head, it was the briefest of movements and Atwater only just caught it but he did not break stride as he headed for the stairs. Atwater followed him making sure he didn't turn back. He was so tightly wound that one word would make him snap, his hand clenched tightly at his side. He knew it, as did Platt. She nodded at Atwater and he understood.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well Roman, let me think. Oh yeah, how about the fact you two have shacked up. I was guessing that since that little nugget of information crossed my desk recently you would know that she took the day off." Platt had leant close and lowered her voice so that the rest of the District didn't hear, but her voice still was flat, if not a little cold.

Ruzek threw his jacket on his desk and grabbed his coffee mug. He was going to need a shitload of it to get through the day. On his way back to his desk Voight summoned him into his office and asked him to close the door. He rolled his eyes before turning back to face his boss.

"How are you?"

Ruzek shrugged. "I'm okay."

"Okay to work?"

"Ready, willing and able." It physically hurt him to make himself sound so bloody chirpy. It took a lot of effort to sound okay. Last night he didn't have to try, last night he didn't care.

"I need to know you've got this under control?"

"Boss, I need this. I need to work. If I can't work I don't have anything." The words came out in a rush and he desperately wanted to take them back. He wanted to show every single person in this damn building that he was the bigger person, that he was strong enough. This wasn't the way to do it.

Voight leant back and ran his hands roughly through his short hair before pushing his chair back and coming to a standstill beside the young man. He looked at Ruzek as he stared at his hands and rested one hand on his shoulder. "We've got your back Adam."


	3. Can I ask you something?

Why do you have 10 missed calls on your phone? Why all the text messages?" Amanda grabbed her phone. "Ten missed calls from Sean Roman?"

"I didn't tell him I was taking the day off and coming up here. He's just worried." Kim didn't sound all that convincing. Things had spiralled a little since the court case. Sean had got frustrated with her when she worried about what Adam was thinking and how she felt that she was being shut out at work, not jut from Intelligence but throughout the whole District.

"Why do you care what he thinks? He just jealous that he fucked up. He's proven that with his little petulant outburst the other week. He's being a dick."

Amanda read the messages out loud.

 _Where are you?_

 _Would have been nice to know you were taking the day off._

 _Now Platt is riding my arse, so thanks for that._

 _Why are you ignoring me?_

 _Kim? Answer me._

"I am guessing the voicemail are all similar?"

"Probably." She shrugged.

"Are you kidding me?" Kim couldn't even look at her sister. Amanda was certainly not going sit back and let Kim continue to spiral out of control on this. Because that is exactly what she felt was happening. Things had got so bad that Kim was making rash decisions to make herself feel better and justify her actions without thinking of the consequences.

"It's not like that."

"Then what is it like? Explain this to me Kim, because from where I am sitting you don't look happy." Kim picked at the loose thread on her jumper. "When you started seeing Adam I couldn't drag you away from him for months. Zoe ended up having to beg you to come up and now, look at you. You are hiding up here, not answering calls and text messages. I am worried about you."

Kim kept picking at the thread. "It's just…." Her eyes fluttered closed. "Can we not talk about it right now?"

"Sure, fine. I am beginning to see a pattern here. You never want to talk. That's what got you into this god awful mess."

Kim jumped up from the couch angrily and started pacing across the room. "You've got no idea what's going on."

"I know you are ruining your career and for what? Are you trying to prove a point?"

"Oh yes." Kim bit back at her sarcastically. "I am trying to prove a point. I am trying to prove that if it's okay for men to screw there way through CPD then it's okay for me."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Amanda stared at her sister. "Whatever Kim, do whatever you want. Screw whoever you want. Just don't expect everyone to jump for joy and cheer from the sidelines as you wreck your career and your reputation."

"What part of Adam didn't want to marry me do you not get?"

"Honestly?" She waited for Kim to look at her. "All of it."

Kim ran her hands through her hair and screamed in frustration. "He didn't want to set a date. He kept blowing it off. He didn't want to meet Mom. We couldn't decide on where to live."

"If you gave 100 men that fucking push test, 99 would have agreed to it. Did you think that maybe he agreed because he wanted to make you happy? If he thought you were stressing about organising a wedding, why wouldn't he agree?" When Kim had first told her about the 'push test' she'd laughed, she actually thought Kim was joking. She's never heard anything so absurd and told her as much once she realised that she was being serious. "Does he even know he was being tested? I am guessing you haven't shared that with him either?"

"He's been engaged three times."

"So what?"

"Maybe I don't want a bronze medal."

"A what? That doesn't even make sense. Is that another pearl of wisdom from Sean?" Amanda laughed sarcastically.

Kim's head was throbbing. "Stop."

"Can I remind you that you have jumped into a relationship with a guy who transferred out of his last district because of a failed relationship. The same guy who spent all day fighting with her 'like teenagers' I seem to recall you saying… the day you were shot! Remember that? You've told me yourself that he has a temper and what about all the rumours of him sleeping around with half his old district. He's got that attitude you kept telling me about with regards to Intelligence, you know that Unit that you wanted to be part of? Do you remember telling me all this?"

"It sounds worse than it is." Kim regretted telling her sister anything. It wasn't supposed to come back and bite her. "You don't know him."

"No you're right. I don't but he's got in your head" Amanda was tapping her finger on her temple for dramatic effect. "and for some unknown reason you'd rather listen to him than talk to your fiancé. Do you know how fucked up that is?"

Kim rolled her eyes painfully. She was regretting coming here. She thought that coming here would be safe, that Amanda would tell her that everything was going to be okay, that her sister would be the one person who was on her side. Nobody was on her side anymore.

When all this started everyone rallied around her. Platt, Lindsay, Atwater and even Al seemed to support her. And of course Roman, he always had her back. Now most of them had gone. She felt like she now carried the plague, ever since that damn court case and the grand revelation. How did having her heart broken lead to this?

Suddenly her phone started buzzing on the table. Both of them looked at it expecting it to say Sean Roman again but the screen was flashing Atwater. Kim thought for a moment before picking it up. "Hey Kev."

Amanda couldn't hear what was being said, but the conversation was short. "Yeah I'm okay. I just needed to get away for a couple of days. I'm at my sisters." And that was about it. She threw it back on the table and continued pacing.

Amanda watched her for awhile and softened her voice, losing the sarcasm and anger. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why were you too scared to marry Adam?"

"I'm not."

Amanda cocked her head slightly before she pushed herself up from the couch and threw her arms around Kim and kissed her cheek. "Are you sure?" she whispered quietly before she left the room and headed up to bed.


	4. Is that it?

It had taken a lot of convincing on Atwater's part to get Ruzek to join them at Molly's. He wanted to be anywhere but here, he wasn't craving a human connection, he just wanted a physical one and he'd proven to himself that he could get that anywhere. Human connections meant that someone always got hurt and he hurt enough.

Despite that he was enjoying the company of his mates. His family, those who were desperately trying to keep him on the straight and narrow and keep him from ploughing over the edge. He suddenly groaned loudly and Atwater rested one hand on his shoulder. "You good man?" he leant into him a little. "We've got you." The last thing he needed, or indeed they all needed was to see Roman come in.

Atwater was worried about his buddy. If only Burgess knew how much he was hurting he was sure she wouldn't be doing the things she was doing. Ruzek had to take some of the blame for that. He had tried to put on a brave face around her and pretend that if she didn't care then neither did he. But that was a lie. All round they were lying to themselves and each other because they did care.

Atwater was surprised though that Ruzek had taken this way harder than he thought he would and from all those looing in from the outside way harder than Burgess seemed to be. She seemed perfectly happy to just forget all about the guy she was engaged to and jump feet first into her next relationship. He never thought that she was needy, that she needed a man in her life. Atwater felt that she was a stronger woman than that so none of this made any sense. Yet she never asked him for his advice anymore, perhaps she thought he was too close to Ruzek and he didn't feel like it was his place to interfere. However, he was starting to doubt that. Someone needed to interfere because she was heading down a path that was only going to end badly for her, already he wasn't sure if she could come back from this clusterfuck she had created.

Roman saw the table full of Intelligence. He drank with them occasionally and usually when Kim invited him to when she was with Ruzek but in general he had always been more inclined to stick with his Patrol buddies. He knew that he was taking a risk approaching them but he was going insane. He had been calling Kim all day and she didn't answer one call, she didn't return any of his half a dozen text messages. He had gone to her house and she either wasn't there or not answering and he had no key. Platt just told him that she had taken the day off. Where the fuck had she gone? What was she doing?

He picked the target that he knew he was more than likely to get a response from and one that he knew might know where Kim was. He had waited hoping one of them would come to the bar but they were getting drinks served to the table. So he had no choice. "Hey Atwater."

Ruzek just stared straight ahead, not even acknowledging that he was there. It took everything he had, every ounce of sheer will to not respond or react. Actually only Halstead briefly turned his head and looked surprised that he actually had to guts to come over. It was one thing Roman didn't lack, he had balls of steel but if he didn't realise where he stood before he walked through the door, he did now. Not that he cared either way.

Atwater didn't answer but at least looked at him. "Have you heard from Burgess today? I can't get hold of her." He tried to speak quietly so that the rest of them wouldn't hear. From the corner of his eye he could see that Ruzek still hadn't batted an eyelid he just took another mouthful of beer. Slowly and deliberately.

"Nope."

"I am worried about her. She won't return my calls." The tiniest of smiles tugged at the corner of Ruzek mouth as he turned to talk to Al.

Atwater grabbed his phone and called Kim. When she answered he stepped away from the table and left Roman standing beside the rest of the Unit and they completely ignored him. When Kev returned he had slipped his phone back in his pocket and nodded at Roman. "She's good."

Roman just stood and waited for Atwater to continue but he returned to his previous conversation with Halstead. "Is that it?"

"Yep."

"Is Burgess okay?" Ruzek asked quietly once Roman had stormed off.

"She's with her sister, for the weekend."

Ruzek smiled a little, he wasn't even sure why. "You know she never ignored my calls." He mumbled. It gave him a strange sense of satisfaction that Kim, for some reason was avoiding Roman. What it meant he had no idea and the feeling was fleeting. He realised that she probably wouldn't take his call now either.

Part of him wanted to try, but it was just a small part of him fortunately because he knew if she didn't answer it would push him further towards that edge and once he went over that's when the hate would start. He still didn't want to hate her.

Roman was pissed. He was pissed with Atwater. He was pissed with Ruzek and the guy had done nothing…. this time. More than that he was pissed with Burgess. He tried to call her as soon as Atwater had left him hanging. "What the hell? You'll talk to Atwater. What are you twelve? This is fucking ridiculous."

He was starting to figure out what was going on. Burgess had put the brakes on them pretty quickly and as much as he wanted too she was pretty reluctant to get into anything too deep with him. They'd been on a few dates and had a couple of pretty intense moments but he certainly wasn't getting much else and that was starting to frustrate him as well. Kim had assured him that she was over Ruzek and moved on and that this wasn't just a rebound or something to piss of Ruzek, although that did hold some appeal to him. Kim had asked him to give her time and not to push her. Well there was pushing and there was this shit, which was basically nothing.

He slammed down a shot and turned and watched the Intelligence table. They were laughing at something and as much as he wanted to believe that they were laughing at him he doubted they were giving him any thought at all. They were such a bunch of elitist pricks; he'd known that from the start.

When he got up to follow Ruzek to the bathroom Al stepped in front of him. "Where you going?"

"Bathroom. What do you care?"

"Look Roman. You're not stupid so I will say this once. Ruzek has given you no grief, so I suggest you give him the same courtesy."

"Why should I listen to you? You want to talk to me now?"

"Because I am your superior and I'm a looking out for my partner." Al's was calm but his words carried weight. He was giving Roman fair warning. Whether he took that advice or not was up to him but hopefully he realised that no one was going to rush to save him. Ruzek, they would move heaven and earth to save him but Roman, he was on his own.

Seems that Roman wasn't that smart. He didn't take advice from people he didn't respect and Alvin Olinksy had never given him any reason to respect him. He downed another shot once Al had walked off and headed towards the bathroom.


	5. Be the bigger man

Al rolled his eyes as he saw Roman head in Ruzek's direction. He had kept one eye on Roman as he returned to the rest of the group. "Fuck, that guy is an idiot." He grumbled and nodded as Roman headed towards the bathroom from which Ruzek had yet to emerge. Atwater and Halstead both groaned and reluctantly pushed themselves off their stools. This wasn't going to end well.

"Do you know where Burgess is?" Roman barked at Ruzek as he was washing his hands. "Do you know where she would go?"

"Nope." He grabbed a paper towel to dry his hands before scrunching it up and throwing it in the bin. He took a step towards the door but Roman blocked his path. "Why would I? She's your problem now."

"You're a prick you know that." Roman spat at him. "You treated her like shit and are now playing the woe is me card and…."

"Fuck off Roman. You've got what you want. Congratulations." Adam felt his self-control slipping rapidly. He clenched his fists tightly by his side and felt the tension in his shoulders as he tried not to react. He didn't want to get into a fight despite knowing it would make him feel better momentarily but in the long run it would no doubt come back to bite him on the arse. However punching this guy right now would right a lot of wrongs and the brief thrill it would give him would be awesome. "I hope she's happy. You on the other hand I couldn't give two shits about."

"Happier than she would ever have been waiting for you to man up. You didn't want to marry her and she called you out on your bullshit, she challenged you to set a date and you baulked and you lost. Deal with it."

"Are you finished?" Adam lifted and showed Roman his hands' indicating that he was done with this whole conversation. He took a step towards the door and was surprised when Roman placed both his hands on his chest and shoved him. Atwater and Halstead had appeared in the doorway and caught the last of the conversation and stepped forward just as Roman shoved Ruzek causing him stumble a little, the few beers he'd had not helping his balance but as soon as he regained his feet he took one quick step towards Roman and landed two quick punches square on his jaw. He shook his hand as the pain rifled up his arm yet he was keen to go again. "Get up you gutless prick." He stood over him.

Atwater jumped over Roman who was lying on the floor holding his jaw and stopped Ruzek from doing any more damage. "Buddy come on, he ain't worth it. Be the bigger man and walk away." If anyone had the strength to hold Ruzek back it was Atwater. There was no talking to him right now so he had to physically restrain him. Halstead had briefly checked that Roman was okay, telling him it would be in his best interests to back off before helping Atwater get Ruzek out of the bathroom.

"Nice shot." Halstead laughed lightly just loud enough for Roman to hear.

Roman pulled himself to his feet and looked at his face in the mirror. It was already starting to swell. He had to admit the guy hit hard, harder than he thought he would. He didn't peg Ruzek as much of a fighter, he'd never seen him do any exercise actually but he obviously kept himself in decent shape. Roman splashed some cold water on his face and winced as he tried to rinse his mouth out, the faint taste of blood on his lips.

By the time he got out of the bathroom they were gone. He scanned the crowd looking for someone from Intelligence. He wasn't sure why because he was pretty sure making a complaint about Ruzek would fall on deaf ears. He thought about making a formal complaint back at the district but knowing that place it would also be swept under the rug. And then he wasn't really sure how much Atwater and Halstead had heard or seen and they certainly weren't going to back his story, however he tried to spin it.

They had to drag Ruzek out forcibly because by the time they got back to the table he was still raging and ready to finish Roman off. The smug prick. Something had rattled him though. He said she had challenged him to set a date and that he had lost. Those words echoed around in his head. When had she challenged him? He was trying to remember when they had talked about setting the date. Certainly Kim had suggested pushing it back a bit and he agreed because that's what she wanted. Sure he wasn't overly keen to go through the whole wedding planning palaver again so he was more than happy to wait until she was ready but it was her idea. He was in no rush to marry but not because he didn't want to be with her. At the end of the day marriage was just a piece of paper and he'd seen enough people, including his parents that didn't see anything special in marriage. He just wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, married or not.

Even hours later, when he was lying in bed he couldn't shake those words. Was that what happened? Did she think he didn't want to marry her? Was this about pushing the wedding date back? He couldn't work it out. He had gone over and over every moment of the past months trying to find out what he had done, where it had all gone wrong. That didn't even enter his head because that was her suggestion.

His throbbing hand intruded his thoughts. 'Great.' He muttered to himself. He was sure Roman was going to be more than happy to tell Burgess that he had hit him. If he had known this was how it was all going to end he would have taken the guy out last year when Burgess was shot because he was too busy arguing with his ex. He had held back then out of respect for Burgess and her relationship with her patrol partner but they had shown little respect for him. 'Get your shit together Adam.' He told himself. 'Get out there and make yourself happy again.'

"Where the hell have you been?" Burgess knew that it was Roman at her door when the pounding started. While she always knew he had a quick temper, she'd certainly seen enough of it at work she was surprised it carried over to his home life as well. Not that she was scared of him; it just surprised her. "I was worried about you." He softened his tone when he saw the flash of anger on her face.

"I went to see my sister for the weekend." She had stepped aside to let him in knowing that he had no intention of leaving until they talked. "I hadn't seen her in awhile and we were well overdue for a catch-up."

"I guess that means you were too busy to answer any calls. Oh hang on except for Atwater." Sean was pacing across the floor. "Guess how that made me feel? Watching him talk to you, yet you ignored me. In front of half of bloody Intelligence."

"What do you care about what Intelligence thinks? You've made that plainly obvious lately that you don't give a shit what they think, you never have. You told me not to worry about what they think."

"Did you talk to Ruzek?" The question surprised her. Why would he suddenly think that she had been talking to Adam? Had he said something? They hadn't had a conversation in weeks. He barely even acknowledged her anymore.

"No."

"You know he hit me though don't you? That's why you haven't bothered to ask what happened to my face."

"Atwater told me."

He stopped pacing and slammed his hand on the table making Kim jump. "God, you told me this is what you wanted. That you wanted to see where this thing between us was going and all you have done since that bloody court case is shut me out."

"Sean." She took a step towards him and tried to rest a hand on his arm but he snatched it away. "I'm sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen.." God that sounded so weak and pathetic. "..But I think you know as well as I do that this is a bad idea. You've got to know it's not there."

"What's not there?"

"That connection, that excitement." Her voice trailed off when she saw the look of devastation on his face. It may not have been there for her but it obviously was for him. The full impact of Kim's recent actions was starting to dawn on her. All her chickens were coming home to roost, or so the saying went. Kim started to move towards him, she had no idea why and what she was going to achieve by trying to comfort him.

"Don't." he stepped back as that nagging thought he'd always had that she was using him to ease her own heartache came into focus. "Just don't."

"Sean. Please." He headed for the door and as he reached for it Kim grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry."

"Burgess." He said coldly. He grabbed her wrist tightly only letting go when he saw her wince. "I get it. Really I do. You were just using me. Just tell me one thing. Was it because you were trying to make yourself feel better or to make Ruzek jealous?" His words were bitter and he let them linger for a moment before he turned and left.

Quietly she closed the door behind him. Leaning her back against the door she sank to the floor and let out a guttural sob. She hugged her knees to her chest and sobbed her heart out.

The phone call from Atwater had surprised her. She had no idea that he was with Roman at the time or that he had asked Atwater where she was. Nor did she know that Ruzek was also right there. But then he had called her again today and asked her to meet him when she got back into town. They agreed that anywhere but Molly's would be appropriate and she had to admit that she was nervous.

He had enveloped her in a big hug as soon as he saw her. It was comforting and familiar and for the first time in a long time she felt calm, but then he started on her.

"Kim, you know I love you like a sister but seriously girl what is going on? This is not you."

Kim sucked in a deep breath. "Not you too Kev."

"Forgive me." He held up both his hands. "But I have sat back and let you try and figure this all out yourself but enough is enough. Why are you so intent on self destruction?"

"I'm not." She replied defensively.

"Not from where I am sitting."

She sat back in her seat and closed her eyes for a moment. "Everything is such a mess."

"Yep. You got that right."

Burgess repeatedly flicked the corner of the plastic mat in front of her at the cheap diner they were sitting at. "How's Adam?"

"Why do you ask?"

It had been relentless lately. Her sister had not stopped whole weekend and now Atwater was starting. "God." She groaned loudly. "Why does everyone think that I don't care about Adam?"

"Because you've done nothing in the last few months to show that you do." Atwater was right of course. From the outside, from everyone else's point of view it looked like she didn't care about him but it was so far from the truth it wasn't funny. "How's Roman?"

"Why do you ask or care?" she threw his own question back at him.

"I don't but if he really makes you happy then I will get there eventually." He shrugged. "But I don't think he does."

Kim closed her eyes again; she felt tears starting to form and desperately didn't want to cry, not again. She'd done enough of that lately.

"I suppose you'll find out soon enough." Kevin continued when Kim didn't answer. Her eyes flew open. She held her breath as her mind spun. What was he about to tell her? Adam had moved on, found someone else? He'd transferred? He was hurt? It no longer surprised her that her first and only thoughts were of Adam. "Ruzek punched out Roman last night."

"What? Are you fucking kidding me? Why? Why would he do that?"

"Seriously Burgess? Why do you think? I'm surprised it took this long."

"Jesus Kev. He's…" Atwater didn't even let her finish.

"Before you start…it wasn't Ruzek's fault. He didn't seek him out."

"What? So Sean accidently walked into his fist?"

"No, but Roman followed him into the bathroom at Molly's after being warned by Al to leave him alone and taunted him. He was being a tool and if Ruzek didn't hit him I would have. He had it coming."

He watched as Burgess lifted her coffee cup to her lips. Her hands were shaking and her eyes were glistening with tears.

"Roman told him that you challenged him to set a wedding day and that he lost. Want to tell me what that was about?"

"No." She stared at the black liquid in the bottom of her mug like it held all the answers but it gave her nothing. That fucking Push test was going to be the death of her.

"Ruzek tried to walk away and Roman pushed him. That's when he hit him."

"Is Sean okay?" Kim asked quietly.

"Didn't stay around long enough to check. All Halstead and I wanted to do was get Ruzek outta there before he did anymore damage."

"So everyone saw this?"

"Halstead, Al, Dawson were all there. But hey we were all there when you ripped his heart out in the courtroom too. Didn't bother you then."

"It did. I didn't want him to find out like that."

"You didn't want him to find out at all. When were you going to tell him? Could you not even pick up the phone and have a simple conversation with your ex-fiancé? I just don't understand how you got from talking to Ruzek about everything, everyday to not even telling him the real reason you called it off or that you had decided to hook up with Roman. You guys were tight. You'd been through so much already and up until the day you called it off nobody saw one sign that things were going south."

Kim's eyes snapped up from the table that she had been staring at intently.

Atwater continued. "Oh yes, I've talked to him because you didn't. He has no idea what he did. None. Is that really fair?"

"No." Kim pressed her fingers to her eyes. "I didn't know how to talk to him anymore. He is so angry."

"What did you expect? Kim, you have to talk to him. Even if it is to give him closure. It's killing him. He's a wreck and we are all worried that he's going to do something stupid, he's out of his mind and this Roman thing has seriously sent him into a tailspin. Only you can fix it. One way or the other."

He hugged her for the longest moment before they left. He felt her weaken in his arms and gradually felt her strength return. The only thing he didn't tell her was that if she followed her heart, and he knew that was with Ruzek it might not be enough. She had to find that out herself.

She didn't want to wait forever for Adam to set a date for their wedding then she couldn't expect him to wait forever for her to realise where her heart lay.

It may already be too late.


	6. I wasn't sure I should come

Adam leant on the bar waiting for this drinks order. The place was buzzing and he had to yell over the din to get the barman's attention. He turned and leant on his elbow and scanned the room. Atwater certainly knew how to throw a party. The guy knew half of Chicago. That's when he saw her. It wasn't the first time she had caught his attention when she walked into Molly's. It was apparently his thing, knowing when she was in the room and he wished now that it wasn't.

Thankfully his drinks appeared and he handed over the money and grabbed both glasses. "Hey Adam." She spoke softly. Suddenly she was beside him, close enough that he could feel her and he tried not the breath because he didn't want to be distracted by her scent.

"Hi Burgess." Adam responded coolly. Awkward was one way to describe the situation. Burgess was nervous and Adam's obvious lack of excitement in seeing her was making it worse. Up until an hour ago she wasn't even sure that she was going to come. Atwater had almost begged her to thrown caution to the wind and get back out there.

Things had definitely changed for her in so many ways. Finally she had allowed herself to wallow. To do what she should have done months ago and it had hurt, it hurt like hell.

Work hadn't been easy but she had no-one to blame but herself for that. Intelligence still wasn't using them and she missed that part of the work. Right now she felt she had to just put her best foot forward, do her job and earn back the respect she had lost. It was going to take time but she was willing to do it. It was what she should have done from the start.

"I wasn't sure I should come." She gushed nervously as Adam just stared at her. Those eyes, his eyes were burnt into her soul yet she flinched a little when they didn't dance like they used too.

"Atwater wouldn't have invited you if he didn't want you here." He hopped from one foot to the other before glancing back over his shoulder. "Anyway, have a good night." And as quick as that he was gone. She watched him elbow his way through the crowd and her heart sank when she saw him hand a beer to a pretty blond girl sitting up the back on one of the tables. He slipped into the stool beside her and smiled as she leant into him.

Burgess could feel tears starting to well in her eyes. Atwater spotted her standing at the bar and the look on her face was familiar. He had seen it before although lately it had been on Ruzek's face not hers. She looked devastated.

His arm was around her shoulder before she even knew he was there. "Hey Burgess. Glad you could make it." She forced herself to smile.

Standing on tip toes she kissed his cheek. "Happy Birthday Kevin." He steered her towards a group of friends far away from Ruzek. It was a mistake coming tonight. Having this crushing feeling in her chest wasn't helping. Was this how it felt for him when he found out about her and Roman? She couldn't breathe and it was only Atwater's strong arm that was holding her up.

"Why didn't you tell me that he was seeing someone else? Why did you invite me? Is this payback?" Kim whispered in Kevin's ear as he steered her through the crowd.

"I invited you because you are my friend and it's my birthday." Kim regretted her accusations and the harshness in which she delivered them when she realised how annoyed Kevin was. He was right, not everything was about her.

Ruzek tried to focus on his date, Kate. They had been out a few times and he did like her. She was fun and smart but was focussed on her studies to be a physiotherapist so wasn't keen on anything too serious. Which was perfect because he didn't have much to offer in that department. He hadn't really told her much about his recent relationship woes. She knew that he had been in a serious relationship that had ended badly so in that regards they were perfectly matched. They were both just in this for some fun. Adam had no intention of giving away his heart any time soon, he was just trying to put it back together.

Tonight however it was harder to focus on Kate and whatever it was she was talking about because she was here. While she was still in the bar he couldn't switch off. "You wanna get out of here?" he declared suddenly interrupting her conversation with Mouse.

"Sure." She reached for her bag and told him she just had to use the bathroom.

Mouse looked at him quizzically. "You okay?"

"Yep. Just need to get out of here."

Mouse followed the path of his gaze. As Atwater moved slightly he could see exactly why he had the sudden need to leave. "Really? Still?"

Ruzek shrugged as he finished off his beer. "I'm trying man."

Burgess watched as Ruzek guided the blond through the crowd with his hand on her back. He stopped briefly to say goodbye to Atwater before they disappeared out the door without a second look. How stupid was she thinking that she could just turn up and he'd be happy to see her? Why did everyone tell her how upset and heartbroken he was when he didn't look all that heartbroken now?

She spent the rest of the evening drinking with a few of the guys from the firehouse. One thing Kim knew when she stepped out into the early morning air was that she was going to have a wicked hangover when she woke up.

The sound of banging on her door finally dragged her out of her bed. As soon as she opened her eyes she realised the pain she was in, her head throbbed and her stomach lurched at the sudden movement. Peering at the clock it told her that it was just before midday.

Peering through the peephole she found Atwater pacing on the other side. "Come on Burgess, open up."

"Kev, what's up?"

He took in her dishevelled appearance. Her make up streaking down her face, obviously she didn't take the time to wash her face before she crashed into bed. "Are you okay?"

"Yep. A little worse for wear but nothing a few more hours sleep and a greasy meal wouldn't fix." Atwater followed her into the kitchen where she poured herself a glass of water.

"Ruzek called me this morning. Asked me to check on you." He just come right out and said it. There was no way to ease into it. "You called him last night."

Kim sunk into the chair. "Oh god. When?" she buried her head in her hands.

"Not sure. He only just got the message and he called me."

She wasn't sure whether to be happy that he cared enough to get Atwater to check on her or upset that he didn't bother to come and make sure himself.

"I don't remember. What did I say?"

Atwater shrugged. "Don't know, he didn't say. He was worried enough to call me though and knowing you it would have been epic." He laughed lightly trying to lighten her mood. He was sick of seeing the agony on both their faces. "How many times have we talked about drunk dialling?"

"Dude do you know what time it is?" Atwater was sure he had crawled into bed sometime after 5am. It was now barely ten.

"Sorry Bro." Ruzek cringed a little. Even talking for him was a challenge. He may have left Molly's early but it didn't mean that he went home. He wasn't even sure himself what time they called it a night. He looked over at the sleeping woman in his bed and felt strangely disconnected. He couldn't look at her blond hair spread out over the pillow. It was only when he got up for a glass of water did he pick up his phone and noticed the missed call.

His heart skipped a beat. He put it back down on the bench and fetched the glass of water and drank it slowly as he contemplated whether he wanted to listen to her message. It had been so long and he wasn't sure he was strong enough to be dragged back into her.

'Adam. This can't be it, this can't be all there is between us anymore.' He could barely make out what she was saying between the sobbing and the copious amounts of alcohol she had obviously consumed. 'We had this epic kind of love and I don't know maybe you need to not have it anymore to know that what you had all along was worth all the pain and the heartache and effort. I feel like I have lost everything. No-one respects me at work anymore, I feel like a leper. I ruined friendships, I ruined you and I ruined me. I ruined us. I broke my own heart, I thought it was you that broke it but it was me. All me. Getting up each day is hard, walking into the 21st is hard. Seeing you is hard. I just want you to be happy again because you are at your best when you are happy.' He listened to it a few times trying to figure out how it made him feel.

Realising that he wasn't going back to bed anytime soon he stalked around the kitchen for a few minutes before deciding that a coffee would help. He listened to the message again. What did it mean? She certainly didn't say sorry but some of the other things she said got him worried. He thought about calling her or going to see her, just to check if she was okay but that would be dangerous. Also it wasn't fair to Kate. He couldn't kick her out because of one phone call from the woman who had broken his heart. So he called Atwater.

"Kev, man. Can you check on Burgess?"

"What? Why?"

"She left me a message sometime last night. She sounded pretty trashed, I just want to make sure she's okay."

"Why don't you call her?"

"Kev man, I can't." He leant on the bench and tried to calm his turbulent thoughts. He had finally got it under control, or so he thought so seeing her last night and now this message had thrown him right back into the middle of it all.

Adam jumped when he felt a hand on his back. "You okay?" She was wearing his shirt from last night and normally he loved that but this morning it felt wrong. He panicked.

"Yep." He muttered. The voice was like nails on a chalkboard and that wasn't fair. "Sorry, I've gotta go into work. We caught a case." He wasn't even sure why he lied. He stepped away quickly and headed towards the shower. "Sorry."

Kate leant against the bench. Something had shifted with them last night and while she couldn't put her finger on it she knew that he was lying to her right now. She got dressed and made herself a coffee while she waited.

"It was your ex wasn't it?" Kate could see the answer written all over his face. "It's okay Adam. I know where I stand. I know this isn't serious."

"It just threw me for a loop."

"Was it the girl you were talking to at the bar?" He was surprised she had seen that and hadn't said anything until now.

"Yep." He ran his hands through his still wet hair. "Look Kate. It's over with Kim, I know that. She dumped me and then moved on with another cop at work."

"But it still hurts right?"

"Seeing her last night. I haven't seen her much lately. We had this court case. She was up on charges of unlawful killing and I found out in court that she was screwing her partner."

Kate leant across the bench and took hold of his hands. She ran her fingers over his knuckles. "Ouch. You still love her though. I can see it. I can feel it."

He threw his head back and sucked in a deep breath. He felt himself on the edge of this emotional abyss. "She doesn't love me though. I'm sorry. You don't deserve this."

Coming round to his side on the counter she wrapped her arms around his waist and waited until he looked down at her. Her blue eyes look unfamiliar but strangely comforting. "Hey, you and I are just having fun. I'm okay with that. If you want to cool it we will, but I like spending time with you. No strings attached."

"You sure. I'm pretty fucked up right now."

"You are, but that's what makes you so cute."

Adam cocked his head to the side and chuckled. "Cute, you think this is cute?"

"I do." she stood on tip-toes and planted a light kiss on his nose.

"I guess you are pretty cute too." And he felt a genuine smile spread across his face for the first time all day.

A/N: Soooo I changed this a little bit when I heard what happened tonight. I can't believe they seriously think this is good viewing. I've seen better written storylines on teenage dramas. It's almost insulting. I get that they felt they needed 'drama' in the show & that they cannot have two 'happy' relationships at the one time, but there are adult stories & then there is this high school crap. I actually had hopes that this show was different than every other show on TV and could write decent relationships. I also hoped that they would be mature enough to be able to have a male & female working together & just BE FRIENDS... you know it does happen in real life...Anyway I hope you don't hate me for this chapter. #teamRuzek.


	7. I was always here

Kim pushed open the door of the café. It had always been a favourite of theirs and she was happy that he had chosen it when he finally contacted her and agreed to meet. She had spent agonising hours going over what she was going to say, what she was going to wear and trying to anticipate what he was going to say.

A bead of sweat trickled down between her shoulder blades underneath her pale green shirt and her heart skipped a beat when she saw him already waiting for her. Kim wanted to be early, to steady her nerves and prepare herself. "Hi Adam." She took a deep breath and approached the table.

He was facing away from the door, staring out the window. He had just the right amount of stubble and his blue t-shirt had always been a favourite of hers. Did he know that? It gave her the faintest hint of hope. Perhaps he chose that shirt because he knew she loved him in it.

"Kim. Hi." He stood up to greet her and ushered her into the seat opposite his. Obviously he'd been there awhile as he was half way through a cup of coffee. "Sorry, I was early." He muttered when he noticed her looking at the cup in his hands. "I couldn't wait."

"That's okay. Am I late?" she checked her watch.

"No, not at all." He motioned to the waitress and ordered them both a cup of coffee. It was clearly awkward for both of them. It was like they where circling each other as prize fighters in a rink. They talked about work, a few of his latest cases and Atwater's party. She asked about Halstead and Lindsay.

"I think we need to talk." Adam finally broke the ice on the real reason they were here. He was tired of the dancing, the awkwardness and the not knowing.

"It was something we should have done a long time ago, before I…." Her voice trailed off.

"Roman said you challenged me and that I baulked and lost. You challenged me to set that date?"

Kim dropped her head. He had got straight to the point. For some reason she thought or at least hoped that he would start with 'I love you.' But the look of bitterness and disappointment on his face made her doubt that he had any feelings for her at all.

"It was stupid." Kim ran her finger around the rim of her mug. "When I found out about Nicole I was worried that you had been engaged twice already and what did that mean. It freaked me out. Were you more interested in just being engaged but not married."

"I told you what happened. That we were young and stupid."

"I know, but Sean said that maybe you were more interested in the being engaged part of the relationship but not the marriage. He suggested I give you the 'push test' and if you really did want to marry me you would say no, that you didn't want to wait." There was no point lying or trying to put any spin on it. She wanted to lay it all out so that in no way could any of this came back on her again. Even if it meant that they were over for good.

"Why didn't you just tell me you felt like that? All I got from you was lets' push it back, let's not worry about it. What was I supposed to think?" Being angry now was pointless the damage had been done. He was just sad, and he was just starting to get back on his feet but he needed to close this chapter no matter how much it hurt.

"I don't know." Kim felt her chest tighten. "I got in my own head and let other's get in my head. People were giving me advice and I thought they did it because they cared about me but I think they cared more about themselves and their own issues."

"Roman?" Adam raised one eyebrow at her. Even saying his name felt like razor blades were slicing at his throat.

"Roman. That was a mistake. A huge mistake."

Adam chuckled at little. "Good to know." He added with a smile.

Kim felt herself respond with her own shy smile. "I was angry that you didn't seem to want to fight for me. I think I was expecting some huge sweeping gesture. You know all the fruit and flowers but all I saw was anger."

"I was angry. I tried to talk to you and you kept blowing me off yet the next moment you were laughing with Roman. Every time you were around me you looked miserable and so shut off. What was I supposed to think?" He shifted in his seat and rocked his head from side to side trying to loosen the tension in his neck. "Look I know I made mistakes, blowing off that dinner with your Mom, dragging my heels on the apartment. Al was living with me and you spent most of your time at my place anyway so I figured there was no rush. I am ashamed with how I acted about the Laptop and I had no right to talk to you like that."

Kim reached across the table and rested her hand on his. He looked down at it for a moment; enjoying the feeling of comfort it gave him, for so long had he wished to feel her again touching him again. He only felt whole and completely at ease with himself when he was with her. Nobody else gave him that sense of peace.

"Kim." He looked at her sadly. "You need to figure out what it is you want. What I wanted never changed. I was always here, it was you that went away. Until you do I can't go back, but I won't wait forever either. You had the chance to move on and try something else and that's what I am doing."

Tears spilled freely down her cheeks. "Adam."

"I'm not ready to give you back my heart. I can't have it broken again." This time he reached out and rested his hand on hers. "I'd like to think one day soon we can start to be friends again but right now…" he sighed. "…I can't do this."

When Kim looked up at him she could see the tears in his eyes too. He stood up and leant down and rested his hands on her cheeks and rubbed his thumbs lightly over her cheeks before pressed a soft kiss on her lips. And then he left.


	8. The final nail in the coffin

Kim wasn't sure how long she sat in the café for. She had no idea what just happened. He said that he couldn't be her friend, that he couldn't let her break his heart again. But then he also told her that what he wanted had never changed and that he was always here, it was her that went away. Then he kissed her and it was the sweetest thing ever and it hurt like nothing else.

Even the waitress looked worried about her. She bustled over as Kim sobbed at the table. "Are you okay?"

"No." she forced herself to smile at the concerned woman. "I did something stupid and broke his heart. I was hoping today was going to be the start of him forgiving me, but I think he just put the final nail in the coffin." Kim gushed between sobs. She was too heartbroken to even be embarrassed at her epic meltdown and the fact that half the café was staring at her.

They had found it off the beaten track early on in their relationship when they were still hiding it and it had quickly become a favourite haunt. They had loved that it was so relaxed and casual and she had been here a few times in the last few weeks. It was like she was trying to draw some comfort from it, that she would be closer to him if she were here. The often grabbed a table in the back and spent hours reading the paper or chatting about work or not talking much at all. Conversation had never been forced between them even if it was just a spirited discussion about last weeks Game of Thrones episode. She missed those days. God, why had she been so quick to give that all away, and again for what?

It was hard not to compare it to the dates she had with Roman. Nothing really seemed to flow and all they really had was work. Silences between them felt uncomfortable and she always felt the need to fill the silence with something, anything to make it seem less awkward. When you are friends you don't really care that they don't like the same things you do. You can roll your eyes at the type of music they like, what they will or won't eat. When you are supposed to be together in a relationship it quickly becomes more important that something aligns. It was like chalk and cheese.

She felt stupid, hurt and alone. She'd pushed just about every single person she cared about out of her life and for what? Even her comfortable and steady working partnership was bust and behind her was a trail of ruined friendships and her career was in tatters. Lindsay had told her that things like this would follow her for the rest of her career and she had told her that just after she had broken up with Adam. Now she had to throw the whole disastrous Roman mistake into the mix. If she ran away from the 21st it would be the end of her. The only thing she could do was try to hold her head up and face the music and hope it got better.

Initially she thought, almost arrogantly that he would have to chase her, come sweeping in with some huge gesture to sweep her back off her feet. The realisation that she had all the hard work in front of her was startling. About the only thing she was sure of was that it was going to be a long hard road and she had to be in it for the long haul. He wouldn't give her another chance. That much she was certain of. How exactly she was going to do that she had no idea. To fix her relationship with Adam, if that was even possible she needed to fix herself first.

Adam had no idea how he got where he did. He'd jumped in his car and just drove for hours, not even noticing the trees, the landscape or the houses just blurred into the background. Every emotion he could think of swept over him in waves. He couldn't believe he kissed her and he couldn't believe how much he enjoyed the pain it caused. He touched his lips with his fingers but the feeling was gone. Was it because it was the last time he would feel her lips on his or because it was the first step back? That's when the heartache started again. Seeing her again, she was so beautiful and so close but had too much happened? Could he forgive her? Could he trust her?

He pulled over the car and started pounding his hands on the steering wheel. Anger. Oh so familiar lately. Was he weak? Was letting her get under his skin again weak and that thought made him angry.

Kim jumped a little when she heard the knock on her door. She hadn't had a lot of visitors lately. Actually she hadn't had a lot of anything. Atwater called her occasionally but those conversations were typically short and he certainly didn't push her to come out apart from his birthday party and that hadn't ended well either. There were not a lot of missed calls on her phone or invitations for night's out. She went to work, went the gym and went home.

Her heart skipped a few beats when she looked through the peephole and saw him standing there. It didn't seem that long ago that she had that exact same feeling and she had opened the door to the best eighteen months of her life. Now everything was in tatters.

"Adam." His hands were shoved deep into his pockets and she stood aside and let him in. He paced across the floor and Kim watched him intently. He looked so conflicted, so angry but there was something else. Something she couldn't put her finger on. He kept pacing, looking at nothing in particular but remained painfully silent. His presence filled the small room, it always had and she liked that he always felt comfortable in her place. Although he didn't look comfortable right now, he looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

He wondered if he'd been here, with her. ' _Stop it Adam'_ his head screamed.

"Adam, are you okay?" She took a step towards him but he took a step back and she backed off. He was starting to scare her. Not physically of course, because she had never felt unsafe with him. He was scaring her because she had no idea what was going on in his head. He had been here for a good five minutes and said absolutely nothing.

"What's wrong?"

Adam stopped pacing and turned his head to face her and narrowed his eyes. "It's not fair is it? Not knowing what's going on? Not having answers? You don't like it. The silence? Now you know how I felt."

"What are you talking about?"

"You. I am talking about you." He finally realised who he was angry at and it was all bubbling to the surface. He'd been angry at himself, at Roman, at the whole world but he had never been angry with her. "Who else did you talk to about us? I know you talked to Roman, obviously. Probably had a good old chuckle about poor clueless Ruzek. I know you talked to Eddie? Who else?"

"No-one."

"Including me." he shoved his hands back in his pockets. He fell silent again.

"Adam, please talk to me."

"Talk to you." He scoffed. "Why should I?"

"Because you are here. You obviously want to talk."

"Sure. Let's talk. I want you to tell me why you gave me back the ring?"

"I thought you didn't want to get married."

"Because Roman told you I didn't? Did I get that right?" he scratched his rough stubble, his whole body felt like it was crawling with something. He wanted to get out of his skin. "Then when I was jammed up on that undercover job you said let's not worry about it. Another Roman suggestion?" His lip curled as he spat out his name.

"No."

"I told you you were the best thing I had going on. Did that mean nothing to you?"

"Yes."

"But not enough obviously." This was hurting more than he thought it would. He fell silent again and Kim just watched him she didn't dare speak for fear of snapping him out of whatever headspace he was in. She felt like he could disappear as quickly as he arrived.

"You blew off that dinner with my mum. That hurt."

"I did." He admitted. "That was shitty, I know that. But Jesus Kim that was one thing and suddenly you were calling it off. There were plenty of times you just called me on my bullshit and said no. Why didn't you tell me that I hurt you when I blew off that dinner? Instead bang, it was over. I even asked you where it was coming from. Oh yes I remember every single word of that day and I got my ring shoved in my hand and that was the last you spoke to me."

"I was hurting." That day it had all seemed so clear and reasonable. It made perfect sense back then but she had spent the next few months trying to justify it to herself and everyone else.

He had fallen quiet again.

"I went the Doctor the other day." When he spoke again he seemed calmer.

A feeling of dread washed over her and she took a step towards him but he held his hand motioning for her to stop. "Adam. Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"He asked me why I was there. I didn't answer." He was rambling and he knew it but he didn't care. "He asked me what was wrong with me? I still said nothing. He asked what my symptoms were and I said nothing. But I expected him to fix me and when he didn't I thought fuck it, I'll just go to another doctor."

"Adam you are not making sense."

He laughed. It surprised Kim to hear him laugh. "No, I am not am I?" He picked up a book from her kitchen table and turned it over in his hands before dropping it on the table with a thud. "How the fuck was I suppose to fix us when I had no fucking idea what was broken?" Anger again suddenly seeped from every pore.

"You didn't even try." Kim matched his anger.

Adam pulled his phone from his pocket. "Oh look." He almost shoved the phone in her face. "I called you. After you dumped me I called you and you ignored my calls. And look, not one call from you. I came to see if you were okay after your car accident and you told me you were fine and walked away. I came to you after the bomb scare and you barely acknowledged I was there. I came to you when you worked that case in Intelligence and I got 'thanks Ruzek' and you walked away. What was I supposed to do, hire a fucking sky writer?"

"You're not being fair."

"Fair?" suddenly his hands were back in his pockets and he started rocking on his heels. Eventually he waved one hand around angrily "Fair? You want to talk about fair?" he almost choked on the words.

"Adam, don't." Kim knew precisely what he was about to say.

"Don't what? Don't talk about how you knew that video was going to be shown in court and you couldn't give a fuck about how I would feel? Was it fair that in front of the whole district, in a courtroom where I showed up and was busting my arse to support you and clear your name and I find out that you are fucking Roman? Tell me, what did I ever do to you to deserve that?" He slapped his hands hard against his chest. "What did I do to make you hate me? Tell me, because I am at a loss?"

Kim couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "I don't hate you, I never hated you. You're right it wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry. You will never know how sorry I am for that, it was completely unfair."

"No unfair does not even come close. That was completely and utterly devastating."

"Did you expect me to wait forever for you to fight for me?" Kim snapped.

"Fight for you? I loved you, I wanted to marry you but that wasn't enough for you. I wasn't enough for you."

"You were. You are."

"What? Until next time I cancel on a dinner date? Or the next time you say let's not worry about doing this right now, but really you are just giving me another test to see if I meet your secret agenda? Until the next time you want to play a game and fuck with my mind?"

"Adam." Kim knew she sounded desperate. She knew everything was spinning out of control, he was barely holding it together. All that pain and conflict and anger spilling out of him and he was laying it squarely at her feet.

He threw his hands in the air. He was done. He was spent. "Don't worry I'm leaving."

She stood in front of him as he headed towards the door blocking his path. She rested her hands lightly on his chest. Surprisingly he didn't push her away or flinch but his eyes burned into her and it took all she had not to look away. The walls suddenly closed in around them and she felt the heat radiating off him, she could smell him and it was heartbreakingly sweet. "Don't go, not like this. We can't leave it like this. I love you and that's what hurt the most. No matter how I tried to convince myself otherwise it was always there. I tired to rationalise everything in my head but I should have listened to my heart."

"Except you didn't trust my love for you. You didn't trust us or have faith in us. You keep telling me that I didn't fight for you but you gave up on us without a fight too. I think you were just looking for any excuse to blame me for your insecurities and Roman was more than happy to fucking help."

"Adam." She tentatively placed one hand on his cheek and she would swear he tilted his head just enough to lean into it.

"I know I haven't stopped loving you. It would be so much easier if I did. It's just that I don't like you all that much right now." He grabbed her hand lightly, his fingers curled around her wrist and he ran his thumb over her palm before letting it go, stepping back until she moved aside and he left. Again.

A/N: I am not sure this is the chapter you were all hoping for...but I hope you see a faint glimmer of hope somewhere. Thanks for sticking with me :)


	9. Goodbye Adam

Adam closed his eyes. He tried to lose himself in the moment and focus on the hand fluttering over his chest, the warm skin pressed against his, the soft kisses behind his ear but he couldn't. When he opened his eyes reality always hit him. This was not what he wanted. This didn't fulfil him. Sure physically it was great but emotionally he was empty.

"Adam." Her soft voice drifted into his thoughts. "You okay?"

"Sure." Suddenly he rolled over and pressed his body into hers. "Sorry." He shut off his mind, stopped thinking and let his body respond. It was the only way.

"So what happened?" Kate was now sitting on the side of the bed doing up her blouse. She'd got used to the dark, he never wanted any lights on. Eventually your eyes got used to the dark. Adam rolled over onto his side and watched her. She was very pretty; beautiful in fact despite the fact that he really did prefer brunettes. He always had. Perhaps he had been drawn to her because she didn't remind him of anyone else.

"What do you mean?"

"You don't want to be here." She grabbed her pants and started pulling them on. "It's Kim isn't it?"

He wanted to lie. Despite Kate repeatedly assuring him that she was fine with keeping this casual he had a feeling that she wanted more. "It's just really complicated at the moment. I am sorry. This is not fair on you."

She turned her head away, searching for her watch and shoes and trying to hide her eyes because she didn't trust them not to reveal her true feelings. "Adam, this has to stop. I can't be this person. I've really enjoyed our time together. You are a wonderful man but I know this was just supposed to be casual, no strings attached but while it's changing for me I know that it is not for you." She leant over and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. "Maybe one day, when you are ready to move on."

"Kate," he grabbed her hand and stared at it for a moment, unable to met her eyes. "I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt you and I didn't think I would be like this. I am trying really hard to put Kim behind me, but I can't." He was surprised at the tears that spilled freely from his eyes and he squeezed them shut, willing them to stop. "Not yet."

"She seriously doesn't know what she's lost. Stupid girl." Kate laughed lightly. "Good bye Adam." He liked the sweetness of her farewell kiss and he knew that he was going to miss her but they had both made the right call.

Voight barely gave Burgess a second look as he came down the stairs. "Trudy." He leant on the desk. Platt looked up from the papers she was rifling through. "I need a patrol officer upstairs for a few days. Ruzek is on leave for a the week."

Burgess felt her stomach churn. He never took leave, she had constantly nagged him to take even one day off and he's still kept his phone on just in case. Voight turned his head slightly and noticed that Burgess was still standing off the side. Platt looked at her and started to speak. Voight seemed to know what she was about to say. "Someone fresh, I'd like to use someone new."

"Sure. Officer McKenzie seems like he'd be a good fit. I'll send him up." He patted her hand and disappeared again.

"So it looks like you'll be with McKenzie's partner today. Henderson." Platt responded to Burgess flatly. She wanted to add some sarcastic comment about her tyring not to fall into bed with him but something in the look of devastation on her face for once made her bite her tongue. "What did you expect Burgess?"

It had been weeks since the court case and nothing had improved. It had also been more than a week since Adam had showed up at her door and unleashed all his anger on her. Since then he had barely acknowledged her when she had seen him at work. Surely things had to start getting better soon. "I don't know. They know I'm a good cop; I'm good at my job. I know how Intelligence works."

"Then you would also know what's important to them. Again, what did you expect?"

Voight had suggested, if that was what you could call it, that Ruzek take a few days off. He was off his game, turning up obviously hung over on more than one occasion. While that in itself wasn't what worried Voight, lord knows more than a few of them had been in the same boat. He just really wanted him to get his head on straight because he believed in him; he was a good cop and had all the required skills and smarts to go along way. He didn't want this to derail him so it was better that he took a few days, got it out of his system and came back on top of his game.

Atwater had found him at Molly's, nursing what looked like not his first beer. He also had a few empty shot glasses lined up in front of him. They bar was pretty empty which was not unusual for a Wednesday night. But there was a gentle hum about the place. "Hey Man. Surprised to find you drinking alone." He had been pretty constant with Kate lately. Atwater liked her, she was nice and sweet and Ruzek actually seemed to really enjoy her company as well.

"Kate and I called it quits." He shrugged as he finished off his beer.

"Why? I thought you liked her. You guys seemed pretty tight lately."

"We were. I did like her, but she wanted more than I could give her. I wasn't being fair to her to keep her hanging on waiting for me to get my shit together."

"Fair enough." He grabbed them two more beers. He told him about McKenzie being bought up to fill in for him and how Voight had basically burnt Burgess.

"Man, she's copping it in the neck at work. Nobody is giving her an inch. I kinda feel sorry for her."

"She made her bed."

"You don't mean that."

Ruzek raised his eyebrows as if to question Atwater. "Don't I?"

"I know you Brother. And I know you wouldn't want this for her, despite all the shit that has gone down."

"No I don't but it's not my problem anymore. People make up their own mind. I can't be worried about Burgess's career. I've done that. She doesn't want me to worry about her anymore." He looked at the bottom of his glass before taking a long slow drink.

"Jesus you talk bullshit sometimes." The look on Ruzek's face told Atwater that he'd said enough. Atwater knew he could only do so much. If these two were going to work it out it had to be on their terms and pushing wouldn't help, particularly with Ruzek. The harder he pushed the harder he would dig his heels in.

"Henderson is pretty gutted." Ruzek didn't recognise the voice and obviously whoever was talking didn't know he was there. "He spent a week on patrol with her and she didn't even try to hit on him." He heard two voices laugh.

Of course he knew, thanks to Atwater that Burgess was getting slammed at work and that Voight had refused to bring her up into Intelligence and he didn't mind that so much but this shit canning he couldn't stand. He slammed his locker door letting the other occupants of the locker room that they were not alone. The conversation paused momentarily before continuing a little more discreetly. "I can see why Roman jumped at the chance, she's pretty hot. Reckon she's a goer."

Suddenly Ruzek appeared around the corner. "Oh hey Ruzek." McKenzie swallowed hard when he saw him. "Glad your back, man those Intelligence guys don't muck around." He was obviously hoping that he'd just come in and hadn't heard their conversation.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

He held up his hands when he saw the look on Ruzek's face. "Whoa man, we are just having a joke."

Ruzek pinned him to his locker. He had one hand fairly on his chest and the other clenched tightly by his side. "You have no fucking idea what you are talking about. She's a better cop than you'll ever be, she'd do anything to do her job and protect even your sorry arse."

"Dude Chill." He smirked a little; he couldn't help himself. Ruzek had a little bit of a reputation as a hot head. Being pulled straight from the academy into Intelligence had made him a bit arrogant in the beginning but Al called him on his shit and he'd parked the attitude. What they didn't see was that he had busted his arse to get where he was now even though he had an easy ride through. He'd earned the respect of everyone in Intelligence, particularly with his attitude over the last month or so. However, on Patrol some still thought he was coasting.

"Don't tell me to fucking chill. Do not ever talk about Burgess, or any other female cop like that again. Show some fucking respect."

Kim stopped dead in her tracks as she approached the locker room. She could hear the argument and she could hear Ruzek's voice loud and clear. He was defending her. He barely spoke to her but here he was defending her.

"I swear to god if I hear one more fucking comment, rumour or snide remark about Kim in this whole district I am coming for you." He pushed him hard against the cold metal locker. "You got that." McKenzie nodded and Ruzek let him go.

He was stunned to see Burgess standing just near the door as he left. "Thank you." She whispered. He paused only briefly and rested a hand on her arm squeezed it lightly but he didn't look at her. "You okay?" he asked quietly.

She nodded and smiled weakly. "Adam." Kim tried to reach out to him but he was gone. He didn't even look back.


	10. Don't thank me

_'Thank You.'_ It had taken her more than an hour to decide what message to send. She had to laugh, for all the back and forth and draft messages she done she ended up sending two words.

Kim had been surprised when she was called up to Intelligence when she arrived at work that morning. They needed a female undercover and the place they were sending her already knew Lindsay. She was nervous though and it was still a little awkward but Adam and Al out when she got up there and she didn't see them all day. That didn't matter though; she finally felt she was getting her feet back under her.

Everyone had been a little shocked when they were discussing the case earlier that morning. "We can't send Lindsay back in, they know her." Voight stood staring at the whiteboard.

"Call Burgess up." Ruzek offered from his spot at the back of room. Every set of eyes turned to face him and you could hear a pin drop. "What?" He shrugged. "She's a good cop, she can do the job. We all know that." He tried to shake it off like it was no big deal, but even he was surprised when the words came out. This, he decided had to stop. He had appreciated that they all had his back and while it was all so fresh and raw that really helped. However it was time for everyone to move on and do what was best for the case. The best option they had was Burgess.

Voight beckoned him into his office. "Are you sure?"

Ruzek folded his arms across his chest. Honestly he still wasn't sure why he said it or how he was feeling. Sure some of the anger had disappeared and that in itself was confusing. Being angry and hurt was oddly comforting but how long could he hang onto that before it started eating away at him and then he was only hurting himself. "Boss, we need a female cop, we know how she works, and we know she can do it. I'm good with it."

"Okay. You and Al are out all day though. You can watch the other warehouse. I'll get Antonio and Atwater to back her up."

While he was disappointed that he wouldn't be in the thick of it. The warehouse detail, they knew was a dead end but it needed to be watched in case anything went sideways and changed at the last minute. It was the right thing to do and although he had suggested bringing her up and by that he was basically giving them permission to all move on he wasn't sure he was ready to see her or work with her just yet.

Burgess was pretty nervous when she arrived upstairs. While you couldn't say they were welcoming, they weren't horrible either. Professional and focussed was probably the best way to describe it. Atwater and Antonio did what they had to do and were friendly enough but she still knew she was on the outer.

"Why did you do it?" Al handed him a coffee that they had stopped to grab on the way to the warehouse.

"Do what? Suggest Burgess?"

"Yeah."

"We needed a female cop, she's the best we got. I think she's copped it enough."

Al shrugged. He tended to agree but he was surprised that Ruzek felt the same. He'd taken it pretty hard and while he had got frustrated with his obsessing over Burgess and Roman a few months ago he actually felt sorry for the kid when all the shit went down. No one deserved that and he knew that he really did love her and still did. Al kind of regretted telling him if he was more interested in chasing tail he could do it elsewhere because he had shown no signs ever of chasing tail. He was in love with a woman whom broke his heart; trampled it in public and he held his head high throughout. Actually he was pretty bloody proud of who Adam Ruzek was. If Voight could have Lindsay as the daughter he never had, then Adam was that for him. He loved him like a son.

Burgess knocked on Voight's door. The bullpen was empty, everyone having gone home for the day. Or more likely to Molly's, she'd been invited but decided that it was too early and pushing too hard. It had been an exhausting day, both physically and emotionally. She got roughed up during the takedown and come out of it with a few bumps and bruises. Emotionally it had been tougher. It had taken twice as much energy as usual to focus on the job knowing full well this was probably her one and only chance to get back in Intelligence's good books and then the proximity to Adam, even though he wasn't there was challenging. "I just wanted to say Thank you for today."

"Don't thank me. It was Ruzek's suggestion to bring you up." Burgess couldn't hide the surprise on her face. If he'd told her that the President had called and the made the request himself she would have believed it more than this.

"Oh."

"Burgess. I know these last few weeks have been rough on you. You can't blame anyone for that but yourself." Voight was throwing her a life vest and it was up to her to swim towards it. He had his opinion and she had to hear it. "But you've showed up everyday and people notice."

"Thank you." Was all she could say, saying any more would open a dam that she probably couldn't shut and the way that Voight looked at her she knew he could see it.

"You did a good job today." Voight leant back and rested his hands behind his head. "You know there is not a spot for you up here anytime soon, perhaps ever. I won't have you and Ruzek working together. There is a reason I don't allow relationships in my team but I was willing to give you a chance and quite frankly you blew it. I am not sure you have the maturity not to let your relationships affect your work. Ruzek is part of Intelligence, this is his team and I need him to be on his game all the time. He's done nothing to make me believe otherwise."

That hurt but Voight was always brutally honest and the best thing Burgess could do was meet his level gaze and cop it on the chin. "I know."

He suddenly leant forward. "We know where you are if we need you." He nodded, returning his focus to the papers on his desk, which signalled that the conversation was over.

Ruzek was still at Molly's when he felt his phone beep in his pocket. _'Thank you.'_ Two words but he could imagine how long it would have taken her to decide on that. Without a doubt he knew that someone obviously told her that he was the one that put her up for the job. He didn't answer it, he wanted to contemplate and stew on it for a while and perhaps he also wanted her to wait a little. He certainly didn't want her to think that he was sitting around waiting for her to make a move.

Kim stared at the phone for the longest time. She put it down and walked away, running herself a bath and pouring herself a glass of wine. She put the phone on silent hoping that would stop her waiting for it to beep. If she suddenly picked it up and there was a message surely that would be better than this torture.

"You're welcome. I heard you did good today." He had replied eventually, sometime later that night. She had given up hoping and waiting and gone to bed but it was the best thing to wake up too. It didn't say much but it felt like so much more.

A/N: I think it is taking me longer to get over my break-up with Chicago PD than it took Burgess to get over Ruzek :(. I'm guessing last night was rough for some of you so I hope this gives you a little bit of light.


	11. The First Move

That one bloody message, she had obsessed over it for weeks. Almost daily she read it and tired to figure out what, if any meaning there was behind it. Kim had even asked her sister about it. Amanda laughed. "Kim, maybe it does not mean anything more than what it said."

"It has to mean more."

"No it doesn't. What has happened since?"

"Nothing." She groaned and flopped down on the couch. "At least he doesn't completely ignore me when I do bump into him. He usually nods so that's a start."

"Baby steps dear sister, baby steps."

Sylvie and Nat had invited, actually insisted that she come and have a drink with them at Molly's. They sat in her apartment refusing to budge until she got dressed. "How is it?"

"Okay I guess." She shrugged glancing over at the table of Intelligence sitting at the back of the bar. She knew it was Jay's birthday but she hadn't been invited. "Work is better. Everything else…" Kim felt a little bubble of emotion rise within her. "Well it's no worse. So that's good right?"

"Why don't you go over there?"

"I'm not welcome. I wasn't invited."

Sylvie laughed. "You don't need to be invited to wish someone a happy birthday. Go over and say hi then you can leave if it's too uncomfortable."

Kim just shook them off. Floating over the hum of the crowd she could hear his laugh and it made her realise how much she missed it. He was always so happy and everyone knew when he was, it was infectious and at times it drove her nuts when he bounced around like Tigger. It was nice to see that again, even from the other side of the room. After all that she had done it was good that he was happy again.

"Kim, god love you but it's obvious you have to make the first move. You tried the waiting game and didn't exactly work out the way you wanted." Nat finally had enough of her moping. "You are killing my buzz. I don't get many nights out without Owen, don't ruin it."

They bought a round of shots, made her knock one back for Dutch courage and nudged her in the right direction. Nervously she approached the table. "Hey Burgess." Lindsay saw her first.

"Hey, I just want to say Happy Birthday Jay." Surprisingly her words sounded calmer than she felt even as a silence fell over the group.

"Thanks Burgess." Jay felt Lindsay nudged him lightly under the table. "Hey stay, have a drink."

Kim could see Adam from the corner of her eye. The expression on his face didn't change. He didn't look pissed, so there was that. "No I should go, but thanks anyway."

"Come on, one drink. For my birthday."

Suddenly Ruzek jumped up from his stool. "Here have my seat. It's my buy anyway." He wanted her to stay, although he was not really sure why. It was another rash decision, pretty much like the one he made when he suggested Intelligence start using her again. It was confusing how he bounced back and forth between wanting to see her and wanting to avoid her completely.

Collectively they all held their breath as Kim accepted his seat but then he disappeared to the bar. Adam knew how uncomfortable she was and that it had probably taken a lot of guts and quite a few drinks to get her to approach them. Him taking off to the bar didn't do much to make her feel better. That was not his intention.

Nor was it his intention to stay at the bar for as long as he did. He got chatting to a cop he knew from his academy days but that's not how it appeared. For everyone else it seemed that while he was happy for her to have a drink with the team he still wasn't ready to. Maybe deep down bumping into an old friend was a convenient excuse. Kim looked over at him just as he threw his head back and laughed, that laugh that filled the room. He certainly looked much happier over there than back at the table anywhere near her.

As Adam headed back to the table Kim suddenly jumped up from her stool. "Anyway, Happy Birthday again Jay and thanks for the drink." In her haste to get away she stumbled and twisted her ankle as she crashed to the ground. The pain shot through her as she clutched her ankle and fought to keep back the tears. If it didn't hurt so much the embarrassment would have been more crushing. Being sprawled out on the floor of a bar was not something she had on her list of things to do.

As she grabbed her ankle and waited for the pain to subside she was surrounded by what seemed like half the bar but the presence she felt the most was Adam's. He had crouched down beside her and rested a hand lightly on her back. The heat from his hand burned into her, she focussed on that rather than the pain in her foot. Nat and Sylvie checked her ankle and assured her that it didn't look broken but it was going to hurt like hell and Nat suggested that she go to the hospital for an x-ray anyway.

Surprisingly it was Adam that offered to drive her.

Kim tried to walk but couldn't put any weight on her foot and before she knew it Atwater and Adam were helping her out to her car. He slipped into the driver's seat and took her to the hospital. Nat had called ahead and she had been taken straight through. "You can go through to if you like?" The admit nurse offered Adam assuming they were together.

"No, I'll just wait here." He dropped himself down into the nearest chair and closed his eyes. As he opened them he exhaled deeply. What was he doing? He shouldn't be here, but it felt natural and normal to be here. It felt right to be worried about Kim.

It was another hour before Kim appeared on crutches. "No breaks, but crutches for a few days and a truck load of painkillers."

Adam helped her into her apartment. He looked around nervously not sure what he was doing or what he was looking for. "This is pretty embarrassing." Kim manoeuvred herself awkwardly onto her couch.

"Falling over in public does have its downside." Adam chuckled lightly. She hadn't really said much on the entire trip to the hospital or to home, she was too scared to speak for fear of starting another argument. His harsh and bitter home truths had hit her hard but she couldn't fault any of his feelings. He had been honest with her; painfully honest and to some extent it had cleared the air. It had led them to this point, not that she knew what point they were actually at.

"Thanks." She mumbled nervously as he handed her an ice pack. The painkillers were starting to kick in and she could barely keep her eyes open. "You didn't have to do this."

"You couldn't drive."

"I would have caught a cab."

"Burgess it's fine." He watched as she dozed off and he sat opposite her for a while. He had no idea what he was doing. He shouldn't be here, she wasn't his to look after anymore. She wasn't his to care about, but he did. When all was said and done he couldn't stop himself from caring.

Adam lifted her gently from the couch and carried her down to the bedroom. She rested her head on his shoulder but didn't even stir. One thing he knew about Kim was give her some painkillers and you could kiss the night goodbye. She was out of it. He pulled the duvet over her, left a glass of water by her side and propped her foot up on a pillow.

When the throbbing in her ankle woke her she was surprised that she was in her bed and as she tried to move she felt her ankle scream in protest. She couldn't remember going to bed and she was obviously still wearing her clothes from last night. The last thing she remembered was Adam bringing her home from the hospital and setting her up on the couch with an ice pack. Had Adam put her to bed?

The whole night had been one of overwhelming confusion and hope. When she had fallen he was by her side, he insisted on taking her to the hospital and then bringing her home. He made sure she was okay and it seemed that once she had fallen asleep he had carried her to bed. Oh how she would have loved to remember that feeling. When he touched her lightly and sweetly and it felt so right and it made her miss him even more.

She hopped towards the door finding it quicker than using crutches. "Adam."

"Thought you could use some breakfast." He held up a bag of bagels and a coffee. Kim hopped backwards and let him in. "Where are your crutches?"

"Over there, I think I might do more damage to myself if I used them."

"How is it?"

"Throbbing and swelling beautifully."

He busied himself finding a plate and toasting her a bagel. Obviously he remembered that she liked them toasted and smothered in cream cheese. "Thank you again for last night." Kim called out from the couch where he had insisted she sit and put her foot up.

"Don't worry about it."

"And for breakfast." Adam handed her a plate of bagels. "Are you not having anything?"

"I've had breakfast." He suddenly looked uncomfortable. He would put his hands in his pockets when he was nervous and rock back on his heels. "Anyway I should get going."

"Do you have too?" Kim asked quietly, unable to look up from the plate in her hands.

"Yeah, I do. I have a…." Adam stopped suddenly and he looked at her sadly. "..I have somewhere I need to be."


	12. We were on different pages

The sound of bat on ball, that metallic thud was one of the best sounds in the world followed by the roar of the crowd. Add to that a beer and a hotdog on a sunny Sunday afternoon with friends and you couldn't ask for a better day to forget about life for a while.

When his mate JJ called and suggested an afternoon at a Cubs game he jumped at the chance even though he knew he was being set up on a blind date. Ellie was cute but she didn't quite look like she really enjoyed sport. Firstly she was dressed like she was going to a nightclub not a ball game and the make-up looked like it was plastered on with a trowel. Really did JJ think he was that hard up? Coupled with the fact that she was a little too excited to meet him, which actually made his skin crawl a little. Did she really need to touch him constantly?

He tried not to cringe when she rested a hand on his thigh. JJ saw him roll his eyes and just shrugged. Even when they hit up a bar after the game Ellie was a little too enthusiastic. She leant over closer to him after they had been there a while. "You wanna get out of here?" Her hand was on his thigh again and as she whispered in his ear her it crept higher until he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and moved his leg away.

"I've got something on later. Sorry."

"Oh okay. Maybe you can call me sometime and we can catch up."

"Work is pretty crazy at the moment, crazy hours. I never know what my day is going to look like." He wasn't all that good at the brush off. Not when she was right in his face and looked so hopeful or desperate. That's what it is; he thought to himself, she was desperate. He wasn't though, not anymore. His desperation had stemmed from trying to forget about someone and hers was probably more that she wanted someone, anyone and today he was on her hit list. He had no doubt that he could scratch an itch with her but that would probably become a rash and truth be told, at the moment he was no longer feeling that itchy.

Man, she was either persistent or dumb and he was betting on the later. Judging by some of the conversations that went straight over her head he found it difficult to even pay any attention at all. She pulled a pen from her bag and grabbed his arm and wrote her number on his wrist. It took all his strength not to laugh. He forced himself to smile and when she beamed back at him and leant in far to close again he just about bolted out of the place.

The place he needed to be was at Kim's. He needed to see her again. Why he had no idea? Actually that was a lie; he just really missed her company. That's why he found himself back at her door with a pizza and a six-pack of beer.

He figured that she would be watching TV and at least if they watched it together they wouldn't need to talk, they could be comfortably silent in each other's company and if they could do that it would be a good start. "I thought we could watch Game of Thrones together."

Kim dropped her crutches down beside her as she lowered herself back on the couch. Adam handed her a beer and grabbed some paper towel for the pizza.

"Wow, it's looking impressive already." He poked the swollen joint lightly as she swung it back up on the couch and made herself comfortable. "No high heels for you for awhile. Or chasing perps."

"I didn't do too well in heels last night. It's not too bad as long as I don't move it." It had throbbed all day and as soon as she tried to stand up and the blood rushed back into it, man did it hurt like hell. "I guess it's desk duty for me for a while. Who knows how long it's going to take to get back to normal. I guess I can go swimming or something, doing nothing will drive me insane."

Quickly they fell into their usual banter and running commentary as they watched the TV and it was surprisingly easy. Sure he sat as far away from her as her small apartment would allow but at least he was here. He was suddenly in her life again and she had waited for this day for so long and it was true. You never really appreciated what you have until it's gone.

Kim noticed the writing on his wrist. A phone number and she felt a flush of jealousy. "Were you on a date?" It took all her energy to keep her voice light. "You got her number?"

He cursed himself for not getting rid of it. "I was and I did."

"You going to call her? You didn't blow her off to come here did you?"

"No, she was a little too much for me. She scared me." Adam looked a little sheepish. "Firstly she was dressed like she was going to a nightclub and you know how seriously I take my ball games."

"I do indeed." It was the weirdest conversation they could possibly have. The last thing Kim wanted to do was think of him dating but she knew they had to be friends again if she held any hope for anything else. This was them being friends.

"What about the blond from Atwater's party?"

"We broke up a few weeks ago."

"Sorry."

"Nah, it was for the best. We were on different pages." Kim smiled to herself. She had wondered what had happened to the girl from Mollys. They had seemed pretty close that night and Atwater had told her that he was seeing someone but he had insisted that it wasn't serious.

Even Adam himself had told her that day they met in the Café that he was seeing someone. The day he had basically told her he was moving on.

She fumbled around for her crutches. Adam jumped up and helped her up to a standing position. Kim sucked in a few deep breaths and he held her steady as the pain subsided. She needed to use the bathroom and he couldn't help her with that. When she got back Adam was in the kitchen cleaning up the few dishes that had collected in the sink through the day. "You don't have to do that."

"No problems. It's hard to do it on one leg. You should go and put it up."

"Adam, thank you." Kim kept her distance. She had too, getting too close to him too soon would push him away. That she knew without a doubt and as much as she wanted to rush headlong into him this had to be on his terms. "For everything. I really enjoyed tonight."

"I think we've always been good at being friends." He chose his words carefully. "Maybe that's for the best."

"Do you really mean that?"

"I don't know. I mean right now. Yes I really mean that. I think we need to try and be friends." He paused. The statement seemed so final. Is that all she had to hope for, friends? She didn't want to just be his friend; she couldn't do that. It was all or nothing for her. Then he gave her the slightest glimmer of hope. "..For awhile." He added quietly.

"Okay, okay." She nodded slowly. Kim's heart was screaming No! But her head was telling her to back off and accept his olive branch. If this is how it had to be then so be it. _'Your in it for the long haul.'_ She reminded herself and Adam was dictating the pace.

That was what got her into the situation. She had pushed him, although he had no idea he was being pushed and while he didn't baulk he didn't change his pace. At least she still had some control over the situation back then and if only she had talked to him back when she started having doubts. Now Adam was in complete control and she was getting a harsh lesson in patience and persistence.

A/N: PROBABLY...yeh okay. So glad Burgess kicked Ruzek to the curb to shack up with Mr Romance...yes that is sarcasm.


	13. I don't want to just be your friend

The faint smell of smoke woke her from her sleep. Kim shook her head and rolled over. Suddenly the sound of screaming and yelling filled the night. She sat bolt upright in bed and tried to focus. The clock on the nightstand told her it was a little after midnight. Suddenly there was a banging on her door. 'Fire, Fire, Fire'

Kim leapt from bed; her ankle was pretty well back to normal now. It had taken a few weeks for her to be able to walk without a limp and finally her physio had allowed her to go back to her normal exercise routine and work duties. A few weeks on desk duty with Platt had been enlightening to say the least and things were returning to normal at work, people seemed to have moved onto the next drama and she felt really comfortable with her life at the moment.

Things with Adam hadn't really progressed past being friends and she had made peace with that. He was taking it really slowly. Most Sundays he came over with take-out and they watched Game of Thrones together, but that was pretty much were they were at. They were comfortable together; they talked, bantered and teased each other. Even though he was still dating other women and they talked about it on the odd occasion it was better than the alternative of not having him in her life at all.

Fumbling around for some clothes she found some leggings and a sweater. As she headed towards her door she noticed that the smoke was starting to get thicker and suddenly her smoke alarm blared. She had time to grab her bag and phone before the banging on her door started again. 'Fire Department. Anyone home? Call out.'

She didn't recognise the Firefighter that greeted her when she opened her door but he led her out of the building. The fire wasn't on her floor, or close to her apartment but the scene was chaos outside as she was ushered across the street to join the rest of her neighbours.

It felt like forever before they were told that they wouldn't be able to get back inside tonight. Until the building was declared structurally safe she was homeless and that could take days.

"Burgess? You ok?" Adam sounded croaky from sleep.

"My building is on fire."

"What? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I think my place is okay, it was on the other side a floor below."

"Where are you?" He was already out of bed scrambling for some clothes.

"Standing on the side of the road with the rest of my neighbours." Adam told her to wait where she was and that he would come and get her. Kim offered to just head back to the District, she had some clothes in her locker and could grab a shower and find a quiet corner to crash although admittedly she had hoped that he would come to her rescue again.

"Burgess. Don't be stupid. Just wait there."

Adam had finally admitted to himself that this was what he wanted. He wanted to be in her life again. They seemed comfortable with their friendship status at the moment and he knew how he felt but he was too scared to take the leap of faith it required to move this along.

He slipped an arm around her shoulder when he arrived and rubbed it lightly. She was cold despite it being a balmy night so he offered her his jacket as he surveyed the scene that was in front of them.

Adam wandered off to find the Chief to see if Kim could get in and grab some stuff but it was a no go. They weren't letting anyone in, badge or not. If only it had been Boden they might have been lucky. He bumped into Mrs Jenkins, Kim's elderly neighbour as he walked about towards the crowd. He had done a few odd jobs for her when he had been around and she would often make him a coffee and some cookies. "Have you got somewhere to stay? Can I call someone?" Adam rearranged the blanket over her shoulders that she was clutching and put an arm around her shoulder and hugged her tenderly.

"My daughter's coming." She patted his arm. "You're back. That other man was no good for her. Always banging on her door and yelling. You'll look after her won't you?"

Adam squeezed her hand. "I'll look after her. I promise."

When he turned back her saw Roman heading in Kim's direction. He stopped and watched, waiting for her reaction. Kim folded her arms across her chest and took a step back when he reached out for her and Adam felt himself exhale. That didn't stop Roman though as he reached out again and grabbed her on the upper arm. That propelled him in their direction.

He was in uniform so obviously he was on duty and Kim looked around as she pushed his hand from her arm to see where Adam was. He wasn't far away and she could see that the anger she hadn't seen for weeks had returned. "Are you okay? What happened?" Roman asked.

"I'm fine."

"Your place?"

"No, just in the building. I'm fine." She repeated.

He wasn't stupid, he'd seen Ruzek lurking around and knowing that there was no way Intelligence would have anything to do with this fire at this early stage it could only mean one thing. He had been with her. She'd gone crawling back into his bed. "I've been calling you. I'll give you my key and you can crash back at my place again." He threw that out there knowing full well that Ruzek, who was now standing behind her could hear. It was obvious where she was going to stay but he wasn't going to make it easy for her and he also couldn't help himself from pushing his buttons and he could do that by making sure he knew that for a while at least he'd had her too. He still felt that she had dicked him around, pretty much like Jen had. That seemed to be the norm with him though.

"No. I'm good." Kim could feel Adam tensing up behind her. She just wanted to get away from Roman before it sent her and Adam right back to the start. Roman had been such a mistake and it was only time and distance that allowed her to see how manipulative he had been from the start. She felt like such a fool for letting him get into her head like he did and for convincing herself that he was everything Adam was not.

Well that part was true, he was everything Adam wasn't. Adam wasn't manipulative. He had always been honest with her and she never doubted his love for her when they were together. Sure he wasn't perfect but he never said anything to deliberately hurt her, his male stupidity was more his issue.

"So I guess you really were using me to get back at him. Obviously your little plan worked and he came running back like the pussy he is." Roman spat out. Adam took a step forward but Kim held him back.

"Adam don't." she whispered urgently. Surprisingly he listened. He knew that Roman was goading him and that the fact he was in uniform meant that he couldn't do a damn thing about it, even though he had his badge with him. Too many people were watching and it was completely inappropriate to disrespect the uniform despite the fact he had zero respect for Roman. He wasn't that stupid. Angry yes, but stupid no.

"So what is this engagement number 4 for you?" He sneered at Ruzek before turning his attention back to Kim. "Good luck to your new partner. I wonder how long it'll be before you are whining in his ear about Ruzek and driving him insane with all your pathetic insecurities."

Adam stepped in front of Kim. "You've said enough. How about you go do your job?"

"How about I get you to step back behind the tape with all the other gawkers?"

"I'm carrying the same badge as you." Adam felt Kim's hand on his arm as he stared down Roman. Suddenly he turned away, put his arm around Kim's shoulder and led her away.

"Adam." Kim tried to get him to look at her but he refused.

"Let it go Kim. I don't want to talk about it here." She fell silent as they headed towards his truck.

It was a quiet trip back to his place and it felt strange to be here again. She hadn't been back here since she called off the engagement; they had always caught up at her place. For Kim it felt like, by letting him back into her home she had let him back into her heart. Perhaps Adam hadn't offered for her to come over because he wasn't ready to let her back in. "Kim talk to me."

"It's all so fucked up. I've fucked everything up."

"Look." He rested a hand on her cheek and bought her eyes up to meet his. "I know things are pretty weird and confusing right now but we are doing okay aren't we?"

"We are."

"Can I ask you something?" Kim bit her bottom lip and nodded. She had no idea where this was going. "Are you scared of Roman? Did he hurt you or threaten you?"

It was seriously the last thing she wanted to talk about right now. He was standing so close to her, his hand was on her cheek and she wanted to reach up and kiss him but here he was asking her about Roman. "He gets angry, but he never hurt me."

"Mrs Jenkins said he was banging on your door and yelling?"

"Oh that."

"Yes, that."

"A few times."

"Is he still doing it?"

She tried to tell him that it hadn't happened for a few weeks and that he was just angry with her for the way it ended.

"Kim don't make excuses for him."

"I'm not. It's just I understand why he's angry with me. I wasn't fair to him." Adam suddenly dropped his hand from her face and stepped back. She saw a change come over him, she felt him drift a little further away. "It wasn't fair to pretend that I was over you and that I didn't love you anymore. That's all."

He folded his arms across his chest. "I get it."

"Adam I am just trying to be honest with you. I don't want any landmines to blow up in our faces. We've had enough of those."

"It still hurts though. You understand why he is angry and are willing to forgive his behaviour but I didn't get the same courtesy?" He looked at the clock on the stove. "Anyway three am is not the time to talk about it."

"You know I am sorry for all that, for everything don't you? I know I was completely unfair to you, I know I handled everything badly and I regret every single moment, everything."

"So you keep telling me."

Adam insisted that she take his bed and he would crash on the couch. It felt strange to be curled up in his bed again, to feel his presence and smell all around her. Instinctively she settled into her usual side but sleep evaded her. He was so close yet so far away still. Tonight was either going to drive them further apart or be the catalyst to move forward. Her mind flipped from one scenario to the other relentlessly.

"Hey." He placed a cup of coffee down on the table beside the bed. He had watched her sleep for a few minutes. God he loved her. "I've gotta go to work. Let me know what they say about your place."

Kim pushed herself up against the pillows and took one look at him and burst into tears. "Kim, it's gonna be okay." Adam looked a little stunned and unsure of what to do.

"This is too much." He shuffled his feet a little and stared out the window.

"What?"

"This, you. Being nice, the bed, the coffee, coming to my rescue again." She gasped between sobs. "Being your friend. I don't want to just be your friend."

"Kim please don't. Not now. We've both made mistakes and we both needed to grow up. I can't get into this with you now, I've gotta go to work." He leant down and kissed her forehead letting it linger for a few seconds.

It wasn't until she finally hauled herself out of bed that she found his note.


	14. Trying to fight for us

_Kim,_

 _I should have fought harder for you but I didn't know how. I was scared that even if I tried I could fail and I couldn't survive that. I couldn't handle that all consuming pain. Not again._

 _By the time I found my courage, by the time I worked out that you were the only thing I wanted you had moved on. I didn't know what to do. I was paralysed by fear. I didn't know what was wrong with me. That you walked away from everything I had to offer shattered my very soul._

 _My pride and ego stopped me from doing the only thing I should have done and that was fight for you._

 _I loved you like no other, you gave me peace and certainty and belief._

 _Now I am trying to fight for us. I hope I'm not too late._

 _Ads xxx_

Adam had tried to say everything he felt capable of giving her right now. He wanted to say that he still loved her but he wasn't ready. Once he opened that door there was no going back. He had to be prepared for what those words would mean to both of them and that he was sure that they would make it.

He wanted to be fair to her, and when he said those words again he wanted to know that he meant it without a doubt. He still had some lingering doubt and anger and he didn't like it, it felt uncomfortable. Like wearing clothes that were a little too small, you wriggled, tugged at them and tried to make them fit, tried to forget about it but it never felt quite right. He had questions that still needed answering and he needed to ask her what she saw, why she believed that breaking off the engagement was the only thing she could do.

Last night, when she had called he didn't think twice about being there for her and bringing her back to his place. It was where she belonged. But then Roman was there and that reminded him that she had been with him and he needed to know what that meant for her. Did he want to know? What did Roman offer her that he couldn't?

"Hey. What's the damage?" Adam was just grabbing some coffees for him and Atwater when Kim called.

"No damage to my place, it stinks of smoke." She wrinkled up her nose at the thought. "I can't get back in for another few days though."

"Did you grab some stuff? You know you can stay at my place if you want to, if you feel comfortable."

"I'd really like that. Are you sure you're okay with it?"

"I am."

"Hey, thanks for your note. It meant a lot and just to let you know. It's not too late."

"Good to know."

Atwater came in on the tail end of his phone conversation. "See you tonight."

"You got a another date?" He asked with a hint of annoyance.

"Kind of."

"What about Burgess?" Atwater knew that they had been spending some time together over the past few weeks. There seemed to be a shift in both of them after she hurt her ankle and he had tried to talk to Ruzek but he was playing his cards close to his chest with regards to their current relationship. He'd shrug him off and tell him they were friends. He just hoped that Ruzek wasn't dicking her around. That wasn't who he was, he wasn't vindictive but he knew he had been hurt and he couldn't blame his buddy for protecting himself. "What's going on?"

"I told you, we are just trying to be friends but that is going well so far so why push it."

"You know she doesn't just want to be friends with you. I hope you 'aint stringing her along."

"I know she doesn't." he pulled out into the traffic and tried to focus on where they were going. "She is staying at my place for a few days. There was a fire in her apartment building last night."

"Really?" Ruzek heard the inflection in Atwater's voice.

"Man, nothing is happening. She needed a place to stay and she called me. I took the couch. That's all, don't read anything into it."

It wasn't until they were back in the car and heading back to the District that Ruzek started talking about Burgess again. "Do you get the vibe that Roman has an anger problem?"

"What? Why? Did he hurt Burgess?" Ruzek could feel Atwater tense in the seat beside him. Atwater was already planning what he'd do. If he'd laid a finger on her he wouldn't be responsible for what he'd do. Actually he would go and apologise to Voight before he even went to find Roman, although he was sure he wouldn't be doing it alone.

"No, I don't think so. Or at least she won't tell me. It was just something her neighbour said last night. That he was always turning up banging on her door and yelling. Last night he was at the fire and he was pretty aggressive." He was worried that Burgess wouldn't tell him what was really going on for fear of what he would do. He didn't want to blow everything out of proportion and he didn't want that bastard getting in between them again. "He was a prick to me but I don't give a shit about that but he was also pretty mean to Burgess. I get that he's hurting, hell I know how that feels."

"Dude, the guy's a loose cannon. Always has been. I don't think he'd physically hurt Burgess. Do you want me to talk to her?"

"Nah man. Hopefully he'll get the hint soon."

"And what hint would that be?"

"That she's dumped his scrawny arse for good."

Kim jumped a little when she heard the key in the door. She felt a little uncomfortable being here when he wasn't. And then there was the letter, she had read it over and over again and tried to analyse it, to figure out what he was really trying to say. He said that he _had_ loved her like no other, not that he still did. What did that mean? It was what she wanted from the start, for him to fight for her, for their relationship. As time went on it was obvious that it was a lack of communication on both their parts that had played a huge role in their demise.

He bought her over a beer and dropped down on the couch. Kim curled her feet up beneath her to maintain some distance. "How's your place?"

"Like a smokehouse. I think I could hang some salami's in there. I should be able to get back inside in a day or two, but I think I will need to give it a clean from top to bottom." She rolled the beer bottle between her hands. "Roman has been calling all day."

"What did he say?"

"I don't know. I didn't answer it or listen to any of his messages. I don't want to talk to him."

"Turn your phone off." He growled. It was now or never. He needed to know. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What did Roman have that I didn't?"

Kim closed her eyes and took a deep breath, she knew this conversation had to happen eventually. When she opened them he wasn't even looking at her, he was staring at a spot on the far wall. "I am not sure I even know. He seemed safe and I trusted him. I had too he was my partner and I spent so much time with him and he said all the right things. I thought he had my back you know. When I was having doubts about us he just seemed to be there and he gave me all this advice like he had my best interests at heart and I ate it up. I was so fucking stupid; it's embarrassing now just thinking about it. He always came across as supportive but I feel like he was manipulating me all along. He was just very good at hiding it."

"Safe? Did you feel that unsafe with me?"

Really that was the one word he picked up on? "No, god no. Adam, I think I took what we had for granted. You know from the start everything felt right with us. I had no doubts about starting a relationship with you even though I knew I was taking a risk with my career and we clicked from the start, we didn't have to try to find things in common because we liked the same things. Something always didn't seem right with Roman, I knew it was a bad idea but I couldn't stop myself because I was hurting and not thinking straight and I was angry at you. I think he knew that all along and I don't know if he really wanted to be with me or really wanted me not to be with you."

"Has he ever hurt you?" He asked again while he stared at her intently, looking for any sign that she was lying to him. "Physically?"

"No. He has a temper. Stupidly I knew that but chose to ignore it. I convinced myself it was just a one time thing that day in the car with his ex-partner. Apparently not."

"You don't have to protect him. If it's not the first time he's acted like this it won't be the last."

"I know, but he hasn't actually done anything. Can we just drop it? Please?" Adam eventually agreed but only once Kim promised to tell him or anyone in Intelligence if he kept it up.

"Here's a question, just to soothe my battered ego." He had a faint glint in his eye and Kim knew precisely what he wanted to know.

"You. Without a doubt, it was you."

"Good to know. Now, one more thing." He started to push himself up off the couch. "I'm starving. Let me cook you dinner."

Kim put a hand on his arm to stop him getting up, he felt his skin tingle. "It's my turn to ask you something." She waited until he sat back down. "The reason I called off the engagement was because I didn't think you wanted to marry me. Are you scared of marriage?"

"Yes, of course I am scared. Aren't you?"

"A little, it's such a big step but exciting. I was willing to try."

"So was I." Adam stared off into the distance for a few moments. He was trying to figure out how to put it all into words. "When I was with Wendy things just happened with the wedding. Everyday I went home something else had been decided and I just went with the flow. I always felt that the actual wedding details and planning were more for the bride than the groom. I just had to show up on the day. That's how Wendy wanted it. I just wanted to skip over the whole wedding thing. Obviously stupidly I just expected the same from you. That whatever you decided was fine with me. I just don't see the actual wedding as such a big deal, it's just one day. It's what happens everyday after the wedding that matters to me."

"So it was just because you couldn't be bothered with the wedding?"

"Kind of." Adam ran his hands up and down his thighs. "And I was scared of stuffing up. My parent's didn't set a fine example and I was worried I would repeat their mistakes."

"You are not your parents Adam."

"Maybe I am a little bit. Dad said he just was happy to let my Mom slip away. He saw it coming and just didn't care enough. I feel like I did a bit of the same." Kim looked stunned. "Not that I didn't care enough, I adored every minute I spent with you." He added quickly. "When you broke off the engagement I was hurt and confused but just let you go."

"I didn't really give you a choice."

"So many mistakes." He lamented.

"Adam." Kim took the chance and scooted closer to him on the couch and rested and softly and slowly she pressed her lips against his and for just a few seconds he responded. She could feel the tension ebb away but just a quickly as it started he ended it.

He hastily jumped up from the couch and left Kim looking hurt and confused. She bit her bottom lip as she tried to hold back the tears.


	15. It's Okay Baby

As she turned the corner near her apartment Kim's heart suddenly started thudding in her chest. She recognised the car immediately. "Adam, he's here. At my place." She didn't even give him a chance to speak.

"Who? Roman?" He could hear the panic in her voice and it started his heart racing. They were in the middle of a case and he contemplated, briefly not taking her call. Not because he didn't want to talk to her but they were elbow deep in something. Thankfully he had just stopped to grab a coffee while he was waiting for some documents to print.

"I've just pulled up and he is sitting in his car outside my place." Kim was heading back to start cleaning her place and try and air it out and get the smell of smoke out of it, it reeked and was unliveable. She also needed to wash all her clothes, blankets, curtains…basically everything needed to be cleaned and she needed to grab a few more clothes to get her through.

The past few days had been such a roller coaster. Being at Adam's was wonderful and heartbreaking in equal measure. He had apologised for pulling away from her kiss. "Kim, please I just need some time. You're here and I really like that, more than you know and I didn't pull away because I didn't like it. We both need to be ready for what that means."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, I liked it, it's just if I didn't stop it there who knows where it would have led."

"And that would be a bad thing?"

"No, not at all." His eyes twinkled at little but there was still some reluctance in him.

Kim stepped back, let it go and they returned to their strange friendship and despite feeling hurt by his rejection she felt that they had taken a huge step forward that night.

"Don't get out of the car. Don't hang up." Adam insisted. "We are on our way."

"He'll hear you."

"I'll mute it on my end but don't hang up, Kim baby please." He couldn't believe he'd called her baby. Where had that come from? Had she heard it? He couldn't think about that now.

Adam knocked on Voight's door; he'd been here before when she was trapped in that warehouse and he knew she was in trouble. Voight had trusted him then and he hoped he would now. "Boss." He held up his phone. "It's Kim. Roman is at her place, he's been stalking and harassing her. Can I go?"

"What do you mean he's harassing her?"

"Calling ten times a day, he'd been turning up at her place banging on her door, yelling. He was pretty aggressive the other night at the fire."

"Whoa, hang on. What fire?" Voight had obviously missed something along the line.

Ruzek hopped from foot to foot, he was getting agitated at the delay. Every minute he spent explaining this to his boss Kim was alone with Roman. Voight grabbed his gear and pulled Al, Halstead and Atwater off their current jobs and insisted that Ruzek travel with him. They continued to listen to Kim's call in the car. She had obviously sat in her car for as long as possible hoping he would leave. She didn't speak though and they could hear Roman asking her repeatedly to get out of the car.

On the drive over Ruzek filled him in. "There was a fire at her apartment block a couple of nights ago and Roman turned up on duty and was pretty aggressive towards her and me I suppose, just verbally. I talked to her neighbour and she told me about him turning up all the time, and he's not bringing flowers and chocolates that's for sure. Kim's been staying with me for a few days and he keeps calling. Kim went home this morning and he was waiting outside her place. That's when she called. I think she is actually scared of him now."

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

"It's only been the last couple of days that he's started to ramp things up and Burgess insisted that she wasn't worried about him. She didn't want to make a big deal of it."

They fell silent as Burgess started talking again. She had obviously got out of her car and Roman had approached her. "You need to leave Roman." Kim grabbed her bag from the car and headed for her apartment.

"Where have you been? I've been calling for days."

"I know. You need to leave."

"I'm not leaving." When they heard a loud thump and heard Burgess's startled yelp Voight pushed his foot harder to the floor. Ruzek's heart jumped into his throat.

Roman had punched her door as she tried to shut it on him. "You need to leave." She repeated.

"Or what, you'll call you fiancé. Is that what you are calling him now? I'm not scared of Ruzek. The guys a pussy."

"Roman."

"Roman, Roman, Roman." He mocked her. "You are just as bad as all the rest. You used me. Do you know how that makes me feel?"

As they pulled up outside Voight and Al jumped out and barked at Atwater and Halstead to stay put with Ruzek. "Stay here." Voight insisted.

"No."

"It's not a discussion Ruzek. You'll stay here." He headed in with Al. What this situation needed was a cool head, something that Ruzek didn't possess at the best of times.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Roman barked at Kim when Voight and Al arrived. "You fucking called them?"

Al led Burgess away while Voight dealt with Roman. "Walk away Roman." He was a little taken aback at how wild Roman's eyes looked. He knew he was a hot head with a definite attitude problem but if he could harness that it was a powerful tool for a cop. He had even seen a little bit of himself in Roman and there was one time he begrudgingly respected the guy. How quickly that could be obliterated. Like right now.

"You can't tell me what to do. I don't work at the 21st anymore, so you don't get to boss me around. So who went squealing, her…" he pointed angrily in the direction that Al had taken Kim "or him?"

"Roman I know you are not stupid so I suggest you leave now. Because if you don't leave I will drag your arse out of here in cuffs and then you're done."

He scoffed. "Sure, whatever. Where is the coward anyway? Got you to do his dirty work?"

"Do you want me to make this official?" Voight advanced on him and for the first time Roman actually realised this was a fight he would never win. The full force of Voight was staring him in the face and he was smart enough to know that Voight wasn't going to be the one to back down. He held his hands up in defeat and took a step back. "If I get one sniff of you contacting Burgess again. Well you ain't seen nothing yet."

Ruzek was leaning on the hood of the car. Suddenly he punched the hood. The pain shot up his arm but he didn't care. He just wanted to see Kim, he wanted to know what was going on upstairs but there was no way that Atwater or Halstead were letting him go anywhere.

Al had taken her into the bedroom. "Wow this place stinks." He joked lightly as he led her to the bed and sat her down. He crouched down in front of her and held her hands as they shook. "Hey, don't worry. It'll all work out."

"It's a fucking mess."

"Yep. That it is. How long has this been going on?"

"He's always had an anger problem. I was stupid though, I ignored it and then when we broke up I guess he took it badly. He felt like I had dicked him around. "

"I know someone else who took breaking up badly, he didn't go all psycho though. He didn't become abusive. That's no excuse."

"I know it's not. Where's Adam?"

"Outside. You think Voight was stupid enough to let him up here. You would have been wiping blood off the walls."

Atwater and Halstead tried to keep Adam distracted as Roman came out and they hoped like hell the idiot was smart enough to get into his car and drive away. He wasn't. "She's all yours now Ruzek. You can have her whiny little arse. You two deserve each other. She wasn't worth the trouble although seeing you driven fucking insane was pretty entertaining."

It took all Atwater's strength to hold Ruzek back. Halstead flew at Roman. "Get the fuck outta here." He shoved him in the direction of his car. "You're a fucking piece of work." Halstead could hear Atwater struggling with Ruzek. "Or I could call Atwater off, because he's the only person saving your arse right now. And I can tell you if I do no-one will be seeing anything."

"You are all the fucking same. Arrogant pricks."

Halstead managed to get Roman in his car and watched as he took off before turning back to where Ruzek and Atwater were standing. "You okay man?"

"You should have let me deck him."

"So not worth it. You know he'd run squealing to IA and your arse would be grass." Halstead seriously would have loved to have seen Ruzek take him. But he let him go he wasn't so sure he and Atwater would be able to stop him.

"Hey." Atwater rested his hand on Ruzek's back. "Voight's here."

He explained to them what had gone down. He had made Burgess hang up the call when he and Al got upstairs. It was better that he didn't hear what was going on. "Where's Kim?" he didn't really care what Voight had to say right now. "Is she okay?"

"She's with Al. Go on up."

He raced up the stairs to her apartment and found Al sitting on the couch with his arm around Kim. He stood up and patted Adam on the shoulder as he left them. Instantly he was pulling Kim up and into his arms. "Are you okay? Did he touch you?"

"No. Adam, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay baby. It's okay." He'd done it again. He'd called her baby, it rolled off his tongue and he liked it. He didn't like that she was sobbing but he liked that she was in his arms.

"Adam." He lowered her down onto the couch as her legs gave way. "I don't deserve this. You, I don't deserve you always having my back. I gave you no reason to ever trust me again but you do."

"Kim, I think you know why."

Atwater knocked on the open door. "Ruzek, we gotta roll." Both of them turned to look at Atwater. "Sorry Burgess."

"Are you going to be okay? Don't stay here. Go back to my place and we'll sort this out later." Adam didn't want to leave but they had left Antonio and Lindsay running the case while they sorted this out, but they had to get back to it.

The case dragged well into the night and it was almost midnight when he got home. Kim was asleep on the couch, a rug pulled up to her chin. She looked peaceful which was surprising after such an emotionally draining day. He had texted her later in the day and she was back at his place. She had stayed at her place for a few hours, determined that Roman wasn't going to make her live in fear. He may have been angry and irrational, which was definitely a worrying pattern but he also loved his job too much to risk it.

Adam crouched down beside Kim and gently brushed some hair back from her forehead. She didn't stir so he leant in and slowly kissed her. Lightly, almost nervously feeling her warm lips on his. They were soft and as perfect as he remembered. He sat back on the coffee table and brushed her cheek. "Hey Burgess. Wake up."

He chuckled lightly recalling how she had always been hard to wake up. He sat back and waited while she stirred. "Hi. What time is it?" she croaked sleepily.

"Midnight, almost."

"You must be tired."

"I am, but you are kind of sleeping on my bed."

She pushed herself up into a sitting position. "So today was a bit of a mess hey?"

"Not great." He looked like he wanted to say something but stopped himself. Kim wanted to know what he was thinking. She wanted to ask him about what he said today. He'd called her Baby, he'd always called her Baby or Darlin' and hearing it again had been the highlight of a very tough day. Adam rubbed his hands over his face wearily. "I'm gonna grab a shower." He ran a hand lightly over her cheek as he stood up.

Kim wasn't sure what time it was when she felt him climb into bed beside her. The sudden weight on the mattress woke her no matter how carefully he tried not to disturb her. Adam heard her sigh slightly.

"Just sleep Baby."


	16. Every Day above ground

Adam slowly opened his eyes and found Kim staring at him and finally seeing those gorgeous brown eyes again righted so many wrongs. "Well, this was unexpected." She whispered. "The nicest surprise I've had in a long time."

"I thought you'd like it." He lifted his head off the pillow so he could see the clock and it was barely 6am.

She reached out tentatively and ran her hand through his hair. It was so much shorter at the moment so not quite as wild but she liked it. "Why did you cut your hair?"

"I needed a change. I don't know, I just went in and this is what I came out with."

"It's cute."

"Cute?" Adam smiled. "Not really what I was going for." He reached out for her hand and entwined his fingers in hers. "I couldn't sleep last night."

"So you came in here?"

"I did."

He looked at their hands together as they were doing a silent little dance and he suddenly let it go. Kim averted her eyes, she didn't want to show her disappointment but then his hand was on her cheek and he kissed her so softly and sweetly it was everything. Everything she had waited for and hoped for.

The sound of Ruzek's phone interrupted them and he groaned as he rolled away. It wasn't the first time they had been interrupted by work but this would have to be the most inopportune time known to man. Kim listened to him talk to whoever was on the other end and it was obvious that he had to go into work.

"Sorry. I've gotta go." Adam rubbed his thumb over her cheek and placed a soft kiss on her forehead before jumping out of bed. Kim smiled as she watched him head towards the bathroom. Damn that phone call, just when things looked like they were moving along. Obviously they were, he had crawled into bed with her sometime last night. It no longer surprised her how different the feelings were with Adam and she cursed herself for letting him go and wasting so much time and energy trying to get over him when she really should have faced up and talked to him. So many regrets.

Her breath caught in her throat as he came out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist. "Now you are just torturing me."

"You think I want to make things easy for you?" He pulled a shirt from his wardrobe and threw it on before grabbing his jeans. He disappeared back in the bathroom and came out fully dressed a few minutes later much to her disappointment. "I'm not some slab of meat for you to drool over." He continued to tease her. "Sorry I can't help you out at your place today. Not sure how long this is gonna take." He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on his boots.

"My sister is coming down anyway."

"So you'll be gossiping all day then, over analysing every single little detail." Adam laughed lightly. He had missed this easy banter between them. They had it from the start and it had always felt comfortable and natural and that was one of the things that drew him to her in the first place.

"Obviously." Kim rested her hand on his arm and he covered it with his and ran his thumb over her knuckles.

"Call me if you have any problems okay?" He wanted to say if Roman showed up but he wanted to stop talking about him. He wanted him out of their lives and the best way to do that was to stop mentioning him altogether.

"How's Burgess today?" Al asked as they headed out of the District.

"Good."

"And you two?"

"Working on it." He really didn't want to spend the rest of the day in a car with Al talking about his very messy and undefined relationship.

He had intended to stay on the couch but sleep evaded him. She was so close and vulnerable. Again, without a second thought he was by her side. He was always doing that and probably always would. That was his problem. He couldn't shake her; she was too deep inside him.

"So tell me?"

Amanda was more interested in curling her legs up on the couch and getting all the gossip from Kim than cleaning her apartment.

"I think we are definitely moving in the right direction. It's obviously taking a lot longer than I hoped but the last few days have been amazing."

"He was always a good guy."

"Oh I know, believe me. That was never in doubt."

"So what's next?"

"I have no idea." Kim shrugged. "It's all up to Adam."

"Bullshit."

"I can't push him."

"Why not? Does he still get you all hot and bothered?"

"He does and the sight of him this morning with just a towel around his waist was almost more than I could handle." She groaned and buried her head in his hands. "I want him so badly."

"Well tell him. Even if he doesn't want the full on relationship again just yet, tell him that you'd be happy just to be fuck buddies. Remind him what he missing."

Kim grabbed a pillow and slapped her sister with it playfully. "I am not going to be his fuck buddy."

"Why not? You always said the sex was mind blowing." Amanda screwed up her nose. "Wow this really does stink." She sniffed the cushion. "Dear sister just think about it. If you want it so bad maybe you need to give him a little nudge in the right direction."

They spent the rest of the afternoon scrubbing walls and washing anything they could fit in the washing machine. Kim had planned on cooking Adam dinner tonight, her last night at his place before coming home and seeing where it led. It had to go somewhere after the morning, didn't it? However Adam had sent her a message to say he wouldn't be home. He and Al were sent to pick up a suspect and when they arrived in Detroit he wasn't ready so they had to stay overnight.

By the time Amanda left she was exhausted and collapsed on her couch. It definitely looked cleaner and the smell had just about gone. She contemplated heading back to Adam's but it didn't seem necessary now that he wasn't going to be there. Why subject herself to the torture of surrounding herself with the very essence of him and not be able to see him?

Kim was woken by her phone ringing. She glanced at the clock and it was almost ten, she'd been asleep for close to two hours. "Hey." Kim muttered her voice still laced with sleep.

"Were you sleeping?"

"Yeah." Kim sat up and rubbed her hand wearily over her face. "It's been a long day."

"Did you have fun with your sister?" Adam had kicked off his boots, grabbed a beer from the mini bar, lamenting that he would need to pay $10 for it tomorrow and settled back against the pillows.

"I am not sure scrubbing this place from top to bottom could be called fun." Kim hugged her knees to her chest. "What's the go with the case?"

"Ah, paperwork stuff up. Hopefully we'll be out of here tomorrow morning sometime. Al was pretty pissed." It was comforting how quickly they had settled back into these late night chats. It was something they had done a lot of when work kept them apart at night and sometimes for days at a time. "I can tell you spending four hours in a car with Al was bad enough and then when we got here he just lost it. Thank god they gave us separate rooms."

"Not up to sharing with Al again?"

"Hell no. Once was enough. Man has got some serious bad housekeeping tendencies."

"Says the man who only washes dishes when you have absolutely nothing left in the cupboards."

"I'm a changed man. You'd be surprised."

They chatted for a while longer. Adam eventually insisting that she go to bed when she couldn't stifle her yawning. "Sleep well." There was a slight pause and Kim held her breath wondering what he was going to say. "I'll see you soon."

His place was strangely empty when he got home. Kim had only ben there a few days but he had gotten used to it, maybe a little too quickly.

It had been one of her reasons for calling off the engagement; that they weren't living together, not officially anyway. Kim spent most of her time at his place and never seemed to bother her. Suddenly she wanted to find another place to live. What was wrong with her just moving in? He liked his apartment. It was convenient to work, the gym, everything really.

Sure when Al moved in with Michelle it was cramped but it was also temporary and suddenly she was in his ear about finding a place. Kim had asked him what he wanted and he told her his ideal place and that apparently did not match her ideal place and whatever doubts she had continued to intensify.

It was only fair to both of them that all those issues were sorted out and didn't resurface down the track. He put it on this list of things that needed to be worked through, but right now looking around his place he liked that her presence was everywhere. His bed was neatly made, the kitchen was clean and even his magazines were neatly stacked on his coffee table.

Kim bounded up the front steps of the District. "Why do you look so happy?" Platt peered over the top of her glasses.

"I do?" Kim shrugged. "Oh you know everyday above ground is a good day."

"Very profound." Platt shooed her away. Entering the locker room she smiled as she saw Adam putting his bag away.

"Good morning."

Adam smiled a little. "Hey, how are you? How's your place? Nice to be back home?"

She wrinkled her nose a little. "It's not too bad. You got back okay I see?" He came and leant on the locker as she was putting her stuff away.

"We did. Thanks for tidying up at home. It was a nice surprise. Hey, do you want to grab a drink later? I want to talk to you about something."

Kim felt a sudden knot form in her stomach it was relieved somewhat when he reached out and squeezed her arm. It certainly threw her off kilter and Platt noticed a change in her when she came back out. "What did lover boy do now?"

"What? Who? No, it's not…" she stuttered. The hits kept coming. Platt calling him lover boy didn't help.

She waved her hand dismissively. "Whatever Burgess."

One thing this whole debacle had taught her was that she was longer going to let her personal dramas interfere with her job. She'd been down that road and it was an unmitigated disaster. The ramifications had been huge, not just for her but for so many others too.

It was no surprise that he didn't choose Molly's. Kim tried not to think too much about the reasons why because that would have driven her insane. This time she was early and found a quiet table off to the side and ordered a glass of wine while she waited. One look at her place right now and you could tell she was nervous; just about every thing she owned was currently piled on her bed. Finally she had settled on a fitted halter neck black dress and some bright blue heels. At one stage she thought she might actually snap the stem of the wine glass she was gripping it so tightly.

Kim had taken a seat with her back to the door. She didn't want to sit and watch every single person who walked through the door so she was surprised when he was suddenly beside the table. "Can I get you another wine?" he asked. Adam had obviously come straight from work. He was still in the same blue denim shirt he had on that morning.

"Thanks." And she watched him head back to the bar.

Taking the seat opposite he handed her the glass of wine. "Good Day?"

"Busy enough, but pretty routine. Nothing jumped off though. You?"

"Same. Paperwork up to my neck." He took a long slow pull on his beer. "When I got back yesterday I could feel your presence in my place and it felt kinda empty without you. I realised though that it was something that you cited as a reason for our split. Our living arrangements. I thought we needed to talk about it." She had got used to the fact that when he had a question he got straight to the point. Whatever had happened between them one thing had definitely changed and that was Adam no longer held back. If he had something to say or wanted to know something he just flat out asked. It could be a little confronting but she certainly couldn't say that she didn't know what he was thinking anymore.

"It was something Michelle said." Kim groaned inwardly. Yet again she had let someone else get in her head. "About why we didn't live together. I know I was always at your place, but it was your place not ours."

"That's not how I saw it."

"I know."

He picked at the beer label. "I really liked coming home to you everyday even if one of us was crawling in when the other was leaving. I didn't realise it was such a big deal for you."

"Honestly I don' think it was." Kim took a sip of wine. "But because I was so far into my own head." She held up her hand to stop Adam replying. "I know, when I let other people's advice get into my head it just seemed like one more reason that all pointed to the fact that you didn't want to marry me. It shouldn't have been a big deal. We were basically living together anyway. I guess I just wanted to formalise it so it would stop all these persistent doubts that I had let fester." Adam smiled lightly as she rambled. She often did it when she was nervous or excited. Right now she was nervous. "Then when I asked you what you wanted and it was so opposite to me I freaked out. It felt like it was another red flag."

"I thought we were just throwing out a wish list. It didn't mean that was what we were going to end up with. I know I said I wanted a 'man cave' but seriously what guy doesn't? If you don't ask you don't get right?"

"True."

"I knew we wouldn't be living in a cave. I love the place I have now, it's certainly no cave."

"Another one to add to the long list of Burgess fuck ups."

"Neither of us has a short list."

Kim jumped up and grabbed him another beer. She needed a few minutes to calm herself down. What did this all mean? They'd done so much talking lately, but how long was this going to go on. They could talk until the cow's come home but she didn't want to stop at just talking. They had to move on, move forward or end it.

If only she had been smart enough to try this from the start, the talking to him. Although perhaps he wasn't ready for it then either? They will never know now.

"How was Amanda?" Adam thanked her for the beer. The bar they were in was starting to get a little busier and louder. Molly's always seemed to have a gentle hum about it but this place the noise just seemed to bounce off the walls and it was getting annoying. He had been here a few times and he cacophony of noise had stopped him thinking and that's what he needed at the time.

"Full of good advice."

"Such as?"

"She thinks we should be fuck buddies." Kim couldn't believe she blurted it out like that. While she had been shocked when Amanda suggested it she had to admit the thought of it wasn't horrible. It certainly had some appeal. Adam looked surprised for the briefest of moments and then a slight curl played at his lips and he tried to hide it as he took another mouthful of beer.

"I always liked your sister." His eyes twinkled and Kim almost burst into tears. She'd shocked herself by saying it and was just as shocked that Adam didn't seem upset by it. Actually he almost seemed happy or at the very least he was contemplating it.

"I'm sorry Adam, I can't believe I said that." Kim buried her face in her hands. The longer he didn't answer her the more uncomfortable she became. He took another pull on his beer.

"Kim, look at me." He demanded softly. She reached for her bag and almost knocked the chair over as she bolted for the door. Adam took one more mouthful of beer and sighed heavily, pushing himself out of his seat and heading for the exit. "Kim." He called out as he spotted her fumbling for her keys near her car.

"Adam, please don't. I'm so embarrassed. Please just let me go."

"Kim." He repeated again and she finally stopped and looked at him.


	17. That Moment

"Do you want to get out of here?" He took the keys from her shaking hands, pushed her gently up against her car and crushed his mouth against hers.

Now the way Kim had her head buried in his shoulder he knew that they were both where they needed to be. Even though he felt a warm trickle of tears on his bare skin and he wanted to kiss them away he couldn't because she wouldn't let him go. Her arms were tight around his neck, holding him like there was no tomorrow. His fingers were caressing the skin of her back, softly running up and down her spine as if he was trying to absorb her essence through his fingertips, just in case he lost touch with her again.

His breathing slowed gradually but his heart was still racing. He had ached for this moment for so long and he knew that he would never take it for granted again. In the blink of an eye everything could be gone. With no words, no explanation and no goodbye. It wasn't often you got another chance to live but he suddenly felt alive again. Then again he didn't realise how dead he felt until that moment.

That moment when he finally gave in and kissed her; when finally realised that he didn't know why he was waiting anymore. When finally his heart and his head landed on the same page.

He couldn't even remember how they got from outside that bar to his place. Had they spoken? Said anything at all? Perhaps she had said something. It was coming back to him how. She'd said sorry. Her hand held onto his so tightly as he drove but she didn't look at him. What if she saw regret? What if the moment was gone? What if….?"

As he unclasped her dress and let if fall at a pool at their feet he closed his eyes slowly before opening them again, she was still there. She was staring up at him with a look on her face that fell somewhere between longing and fear. "I hope this isn't a dream." Adam heard himself say.

Kim rested a hand on his cheek. It burned; it lit a fire in him that he could no longer contain. "It's not a dream, not anymore." But when the moment came, when they finally came together again the urgency was replaced with a need to make it last, to take it slow and savour every second.

"Shh baby." He whispered in her ear as he felt her chest heave as a sob escaped. "I'm here."

"Don't go." Did she think that he was going to leave her now? Was that why she was hanging on so tight? Did she think he was going to turn away from her now?

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. I'm just glad you came back for me."

"I never should have let you go."

"Kim, please don't. Not right now." Adam kissed her behind her ear and ran his tongue down her neck. "Come with me." He begged as his hand dug into the skin of her back. It was the second time that night he had asked her to come with him.

As they walked through his door Kim paused hesitantly. Adam hadn't said much and while he seemed calm Kim's nerves were shot. Unlike the first time he showed up at her door and they had crashed together this was quieter, more subdued but then again more was riding on this moment than it was back then. If things hadn't worked out back then what would it matter, no-ones heart would have been shattered. Adam tugged on her hand. "Come with me." He had whispered, his low gruff voice tinged with longing.

"Adam."

He laid one finger on her lips to silence her. She was overthinking this. "Kim, don't think, just feel." His hand slipped around to the back of her neck and he tangled his fingers in her hair and pulled her into him.

Now she was lying beneath him, the weight of his body comforting and a little surreal. There was no part of his body that she didn't want to explore; she wanted to re-acquaint herself with him completely. Eventually he rolled off to the side and she rolled with him. As she rested her head on his chest he ran his fingers through her hair. "I've missed you."

Kim ran her fingers lightly over his chest, tracing the line of his muscles, circling around one nipple then the other and down his over his stomach. "I never forgot how right this is, how right we are together."

Kim shifted slightly and rested her head on his chest so she could see his face.

Adam's hand was lazily drawing circles on her back. "I don't want to be just your fuck buddy." He looked at her almost sheepishly.

"Neither do I." Kim blushed a little, she couldn't believe she had blurted it out but so glad that she did. "Although I like that Amanda's suggestion led to this. It did didn't it?"

"Don't tell her that. I will never live it down."

It was fair to say that they didn't really move very far that night. Even when both their stomach's started grumbling with hunger they ordered in pizza and sat in bed to eat. They spent time with their legs entwined, their hands constantly on each other and their lips re-learning each other's sweet spots. It was emotional and it was intense and it felt right.

Adam groaned as an alarm started blaring. Why in god's name did she have 'Wake me up before you Go Go' as her alarm? Kim sat bolt upright and blinked as the realisation of the previous night washed over her. She flopped back down and smiled as Adam snuggled into her side. "Good Morning." he croaked. "You really need to change that alarm."

"You don't like it?'

"It's fucking annoying." He kissed her neck. "What time is it?"

"Six. I have to be at work by eight and I need to go home and get some clothes."

"Don't."

"I am not turning up in my dress and heels. Platt will see me and know precisely what we have been doing." They hadn't really talked about that. What, if anything were they going to say?

"I don't care. I just don't want you to go just yet."

"You also have to go to work." Kim rolled over so that she was facing him. His eyes were still firmly shut. It had been a late night, a very late night. "Speaking of work?" She bit her bottom lip nervously. Adam slowly opened his eyes.

"I'm not sure. Would you hate it if we kept it to ourselves for a couple of weeks at least?"

"No." Kim captured his lips in warm kiss. "I think it might be good not to have any interference, however well intentioned people are. I feel like we still have things to work out." She didn't want to mention the engagement. It was going to be hard to go back to just dating however much she knew that was precisely what they had to do. She was probably a page or two ahead of where Adam was at the moment. She was ready to jump right to the end but Adam wasn't. That much was obvious and she just had to accept that.

"But this is a bloody good start though hey?" His hand slipped down her thigh and he pulled her flush against his body, back where she belonged.

Kim had moved in with him a month ago. It was like it should have been from the start. No drama, no fanfare. After several weeks of her just being there every night whether he was working or not they just agreed that she should give up her lease and move in to his place.

Eventually they would find something a little bigger but Adam had a lease for another six months and she'd always liked this place.

Kim was still sleeping as Adam slipped out of bed the morning after she had officially moved in. He wrote her a quick note in case she woke up while he was out. ' _Gone hunting and gathering. Don't move, don't put clothes on.'_ He ran down to the store and grabbed some food for a late breakfast.

She only woke when she heard Adam come back in. He was moving about in the kitchen and she could hear the coffee machine working away. As she rolled out of bed she noticed his note next the bed. After ducking into the bathroom she grabbed his shirt and pulled it on. Adam looked up from the pan of tomatoes he was cooking as Kim came and leant on the edge of bench. "I thought I told you not to put clothes on?"

"You've got clothes on."

"I couldn't go to the shop naked. There are laws against that."

He held out his arm and Kim came and wrapped her arms around his waist. She stood on tiptoes and kissed him slowly. "Good morning." Kim smiled up at him when she pulled away.

"Good morning. Did you sleep well in your new home?"

"Yes. Although sleep was the least interesting thing that happened in their last night."

"Pretty awesome hey?" Adam asked her to put some toast on and make the coffee while he finished off the tomatoes, mashed up some avocado. He threw it together with some feta and piled it all up on the toast with some fresh rocket.

"This is really good." Kim mumbled with a mouthful of food.

Adam winked at her. "New skills baby."

Kim grabbed their plates and took them back into the kitchen. Adam followed her. He placed his hands either side of her hips and trapped her against the bench. He kissed the back of her neck and pushing his hips against her back and made it very obvious that he wanted her right now.

"Kim, baby. I have so much faith in us." She tilted her neck so he could continue. "I love you."

Kim had told him weeks ago that she loved him. His response at the time hurt a little. "Good to know." He muttered but he didn't say it back. She knew he did, everything he did told her that, but he wasn't ready to say the words. Adam knew that it had upset her and he tried to make it up to her by showing her how he felt. He hoped that his actions had spoke louder than words.

Until now.

There were no bells and whistles either when they finally made their reappearance as a couple. There was no big announcement at work. Adam just grabbed her hand and led her through the crowd at Molly's. Erin's jawed dropped first when she saw them.

"I knew it." Chanted Atwater almost leaping off his stool. "Dude's been too happy lately. You owe me fifty bucks." He pointed his glass in Halstead's direction.

"So does this mean the wedding is back on?" Erin was the first to ask.

Adam looked at Kim and just smiled.


	18. When you are ready

Kim dropped her bag as she came through the door. It had been such a long night and her body ached all over. They had chased four idiots down all sorts of alleyways and into dark houses and the arrests had been rough. Her new partner was as much of a goer as she was, with the added benefit of being happily married. That bit of information bought about a Tom Cruise couch-jumping incident. Kim tried to look annoyed but failed miserably as she giggled at his obvious joy.

Now all she wanted was a shower and bed…and a coffee. And that's when she saw it.

Sitting on the kitchen bench was a ring box and a marriage licence application. Her heart just about leapt out of her chest as she picked up the note he had left.

 _'When you are ready, so am I.'_

It had been six months since they had gotten back together and initially they had hit a few little speed bumps but nothing they couldn't handle. Things had eventually smoothed out and the time they spent apart, while it helped them both grow up it just seemed to fade away. Every now and then Kim was reminded at how much she had hurt him but they did their best to talk about it. He wasn't completely blameless for their problems however the alternative was not an option, they had tried that and it didn't work. They needed to be together so they had to work on it, even if some days it seemed like they were swimming against the tide.

They'd hit clear water now and it felt good. No, it was great. She had always thought they were pretty great together but now it was a whole other level of great.

Kim picked up the marriage application and noticed that Adam had already signed it and that probably meant more to her than anything else. Eventually she grabbed the box and opened it. It was a different ring but she already knew it would be. When they had first broached the subject about getting married Kim had asked him what he did with it he admitted that he had sold it.

What surprised her was he had only sold it once they were back together.

"Why? I loved that ring. It was beautiful."

"New start. It held too many bad memories for me." Kim saw the hurt on his face as those memories flooded back. "I would sit here with the ring on the table and get wasted." He admitted sheepishly. What he didn't tell her that while he was drinking away his pain he often cried but then he didn't think he had too. She probably knew. Nothing surprised her anymore about Adam when it came to his emotions. He wore his heart on his sleeve.

This ring was beautiful too, perhaps even more so. It was completely different from the first one. It was a new start and the round cut diamond was breathtaking and simple.

Adam grabbed a bottle of champagne while Kim grabbed the tray of glasses and they headed towards the table full of Intelligence. Somehow Kim had also managed to get Platt to come along. He didn't want to know what she had to give up to get that to happen.

"It's our buy." He announced and placed the bottle in the middle of the table.

"Don't tell me we are celebrating engagement number 4. It's no great achievement." Trust Platt to not mince words. She just said what everyone else was thinking.

"No. We are celebrating our first and only marriage." He held up his hand showing his plain white gold wedding band.

"Oh my god." Erin squealed as she leapt from her chair and threw her arms around both of them. "Oh my god. You did it."

"We did." Kim laughed. "And it feels so good."

Kim had leapt into Adam's arms when he got home the night before last. "So I am guessing you are happy?"

"Adam, yes. On one condition." They had obviously learnt their lesson from last time and when it all boiled down to it they just wanted to get it over and done with. Kim reminded him of what he said. It wasn't the wedding day that meant the most it was what happened every day after that that was important. "I don't want to make a big deal of it. Can it just be us?"

And that's what they did. The next day they got their licence and returned a day later and got married.

Adam held out a hand for Kim to take and lifted a glass in her direction. In the half-light only she could see the tears in his eyes. "To my beautiful wife."

 **A/N:** _Well, well...this has come to an end. I decided not to leave you hanging too long, so it's just a short chapter to wrap it up. I hope you are happy with the ending :) Thank you so much for all your reviews & love for this story. I am glad you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Til next time..._


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